Posts Tagged ‘sohc’

Advice: How Many Kitties?

Saturday, June 13th, 2015

Dear Meankitty,

In your omnipotent feline wisdom, I am hoping you can help me solve a mystery. I am just a simple pink kitty slave who used to be owned by one meankitty named Elvis. Pretty soon I was owned by three meankitties. Now I am owned by five meankitties, and I think they are planning to move another one in next month.

What exactly are these cats doing to me while I sleep that makes me continue to enslave myself to more and more of them? When will this end? Will this end? Are kitties highly skilled at slave hypnotism?



Dear Pinkie,

They’ll top out at 5 or 6. They won’t want to share their food, their catboxes, and their petting time that much unless you live on a farm or something.

As for admitting what the cats do when you’re sleeping, my vow as a member of SOHC prevents me from revealing that information.


Advice: Cat Fur Physics

Friday, July 25th, 2014

Dear Meankitty,

Please explain the physics behind cat fur and why it doesn’t making sitting in sun spots and other warm areas uncomfortable.

A Smart Alec Human That Is Trying to Stump You


Dear Stump,

Dude, I’m not allowed to tell you that! Don’t you know anything about the SOHC?


Advice: Bathtub Party

Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

Dear Meankitty,

My cat won’t quit playing in the bathtub. I don’t know why she’s doing it. She just gets in there and races around in circles. Sometimes she attacks the shower curtain and has made several holes. Is she crazy?

Hairballs in the Soapdish


Dear Hairballs,

Ah, another upstanding SOHC member! Your cat is merely fulfilling the requirement of one act per day her human does not understand. You can try to persuade your kitty to do something else to keep her membership active, but really, isn’t the bathtub thing pretty innocuous? If you truly can’t stand it, your kitty can be convinced to choose another daily puzzler by following these simple steps:

Step one: Fill tub with water
Step two: Listen for the splash

However, don’t come whining to me when you wake up one night and Miss Thang has peed all over your antique quilt.


Gallery: Hank the Stank

Saturday, August 24th, 2013

Name: Hank
Location: Columbus, OH

Hank stanks

Head wounds bleed more, haven’t you heard? I get extra SOHC points for that.

What makes Hank so mean?

Hank the Stank (so named because he refuses to clean any of his nasty bits, I think out of principal or because he knows he smells and it bothers me) is a cat who likes to bite…your scalp and face! What started out as a cute trick (ohhh how cute, watch the kitten jump) when he was a baby has become not so funny now that he’s 10 pounds and has learned to do it “as a surprise”. Last week, I was sitting on the couch watching TV and out of nowhere, the Stank jumped onto my face and bit/scratched the TOP OF MY HEAD! I mean it bled and everything. Another cute trick he picked up (I think from hanging out with the dog too much) is when he bites, he doesn’t gnaw like most cats do. He bites down hard until he knows his teeth are hooked in and then SHAKES HIS HEAD AND PULLS (think pit-bull). Imagine how great 4 sets of claws and a pulling, shaking bite feels on top of your head.

Hank chewed up my only good pair of glasses (both lenses) and now he refuses to pay for them. I think lawyers may be involved sooner or later (or we’ll settle out of court–he’ll bite me on the face again and I’ll stop talking about it). God help anybody that tries to bathe him or clip his nails without chain mail, eye protection, and a helmet.

Photo submitted by: Mandy

Advice: Staying in the SOHC

Tuesday, March 19th, 2013

Dear Meankitty,

Help, I’m going to be expelled from Society of House Cats! It’s not my fault, I can’t help it. Every time I get near my petting slaves, they scratch my ears and I start purring, LOUD. I try be aloof and make them miserable. I try to give them death stares. I demand my water be changed every hour on the hour. It does no good when I’m purring like a motor boat. I can’t help it. I love the scratchin’. It’s so embarrassing. Oh please help me!



Dear Peanut,

You might as well face it, you’re addicted to love.

If you can’t shake your addiction and want to remain in the SOHC, we suggest learning to bite and purr at the same time. It’s a high level skill, but some cats have mastered it. Don’t give up! And don’t forget that drooling with pleasure is also mean to humans, as is attacking them all the time in order to force them to sustain your addiction. This is particularly good to do between the hours of midnight and six a.m. or whenever they have guests over they want to impress.


Advice: Pan Scratcher

Monday, February 25th, 2013

Dear Meankitty,

My mean cat has decided that she sometimes does not like the newspapers spread around her cat pan to catch litter. She scratches and bites and rolls and tears at the papers every day at 4 a.m. At 10 a.m., she does not mind the papers, nor are they a problem at 6 p.m. What is going on here?

Furious at 4 a.m.


Dear Furious at 4 a.m.,

Apparently you are ignorant of the national organization, SOHC (Society of House Cats), which states that members must, among other things, do something noisy at least once while their human is sleeping. As all house cats strive to be in this highly reputable society, I doubt yours is going to leave off just because you don’t like it — to do so would be to forfeit membership. Learn to sleep through it.


Gallery: Elle

Thursday, December 20th, 2012

Name: Elle
Location: TX

Elle is a meankitty

You cannot hear this over the internet but I am screaming RIGHT NOW! Without moving my lips. It is a high level SOHC skill.

What makes Elle so mean?

Elle was born right here in our house. The second her mouth and lungs were clear, she started screaming. For the first few months of her life, she screamed almost all the time. Anybody who’s ever had a screamer kitty knows that this can drive a slave out of his or her skull in no time.

Elle, of course, loved the fact that every slave in the house bowed and scraped before her in an attempt to please her. We offered the choicest kitty food, the best treats, fresh water (free of dog drool, even) and the greatest toys. Elle screamed anyway.

Then, for a while, Elle stopped. We enjoyed those brief weeks of silence.

But that did not last long. Elle was once again discontent with the universe and rarely lets us forget it!

Elle Santa

Talking about things that make me want to scream… I hate Christmas carols!

And when Elle isn’t screaming her lungs out, she’s keeping the dogs and other cats in their proper places: beneath her paws. She beats up puppies. She beats up the other cats. She even beats up human ankles and shins when she’s in a foul mood.

Submitted by: Sarah

Gallery: Bill Two Toes

Thursday, August 9th, 2012

Name: Bill Two Toes
Location: Unknown

Bill is a meankitty

This is my strategic place on the large paper calendar. Note the lack of entries — no notes to self to “Pet Bill today” or “Get Bill some better treats today.” Good slave? HA!

What makes Bill so mean?

This is my meankitty. He is the worst. Every time I’m getting ready for bed, he likes to hide at different strategic places in the home. When I’m done tucking in his other slave, he jumps out, wraps himself around my ankle, and digs in…ouch! If I scream, he only bites harder (really really hard).

Bill Two Toes is so mean

I’m done with the treats….now I need a little flesh to cleanse my palate. I wouldn’t have to do this if the slaves would get me the FANCY treats.

Also when I give him his treats he attacks me when he is done with them. And that is my thanks for being a good slave!

Bill is a meankitty

Sometimes I am cute and play with toys so they’ll let down their guards. It’s a based on generations of SOHC research.

Submitted by: Fred

Gallery: Ex and Lilah

Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

Names: Ex and Lilah
Location: Kansas

Ex and Lilah are meankitties

The dead cat trick works every time! Try it, SOHC friends!

What makes Ex and Lilah so mean?

Ex is mean, mean, mean. Especially if we expand the definition of “mean” to include “stinky” and “bizarre”. He loves to carry empty toilet paper rolls around the apartment, tearing them to tiny bits while howling when the mood strikes him. He also enjoys pulling rug pads out from under rugs and tearing them to bits too. He’s been working on one in particular for over ten years.

Ex is a meankitty

Hey, I want to chew up a rug pad with my big, blurry teeth!

He continues to collect small totems, like milk jug caps, plastic hanger protectors and the aforementioned rug pad bits to put in the people’s bed as a surprise. He likes hiding inside the comforter cover, which he knows makes the lady think he is dead and therefore freaks her out. His meanest trick is the oldie-but-goodie of peeing five inches away from the litter box. Every time.

Lilah is a meankitty

Is that you, Kansas? Did I get the job?

The brains behind the operation, though, is his little sis Lilah, who really can be mean in the traditional sense, especially when you have petted, brushed or, oh, looked at her for a little too long. During the summer, she likes to meanly catch and hold cicadas in her mouth, thus achieving the elusive and very mean double cat-bug hum-growl-purr noise. Her picture shows her studying hard to find a way to achieve dominion over Kansas, as she is very bright and ambitious.

Submitted by: Chezna & Kyle

Gallery: Smackey

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011

Name: Smackey
Location: Unknown

Smackey is a meankitty

I learned the stairs trick at a recent SOHC refresher course!

What makes Smackey so mean?

Smackey is a meankitty because, although she is pretty small, she is tough. When we had guests over on Thanksgiving, we let their dog come in. This dog loves cats, so when she went over to meet the cat, Smackey ran up and attacked the poor dog. The dog (large black lab) walked away with her tail between her legs. Poor thing!

Smackey is really heavy on her feet. When she walks around she sounds like a herd of elephants parading around the house at 3 AM. And if she is not walking/tromping around the house, she is sitting on one of the steps leading to the upstairs of the house… she does not move and the staircase is rather steep, so we have all tripped over her at one time or another, which is quite dangerous.

Photo submitted by: Sarah