Posts Tagged ‘sohc’
Friday, January 29th, 2016
Name: Loki (2)
Location: Adso’s house
Cattitude--I've got it in spades! Um. What are spades, anyway?
Why is Loki so mean?
Hi!! My name is Loki and I am so happy to meet you. My story of how I got here is kind of fun, or so says Karrin, my new slave.
See, there have been rumours going around with the animals near where I used to be, that if you crossed the busy zoom concrete, there was a human who would fall in love with you and take you home. I thought, “WOW! I am cute and little, bet I could win that lotto!!” So one day I braved the zoom and went into the big dark place with all the zoomers (slave here, that’s cars to us). Ok slave, go away I got this…so anyways – I wandered about and saw lots of humans but I knew they weren’t the magickal one, so I stayed away. I knew who I was looking for, and sorry 2 legs, you ain’t it.
Then………there she was! She had a ‘SUCKER’ tattoo only animals and kids selling cookies can see. I called to her – very quietly so no one else heard. I saw her turn around and look!! It WAS her, OMGs!!! It’s TRUE! Only she could hear me! I watched her look all OVER then turn back around and say, “Did you hear that?!”
The other human (not a magickal one, just one of those ordinary ones) said, “It was a mockingbird.”
Do I look like a mockingbird to you? I EAT mockingbirds for lunch. Um. what are mockingbirds?
I decided to be a bit more aggressive in getting her attention. I meowed a wee louder and decided to show myself, wandering between two zoomers. She heard me, looked in disbelief (it was funny, that look), and ran over going, “OOOO! Look at YOU! How cute are YOU! Oh crap, Jeff is gonna kill me!!” I let her pick me up and I threw in some purrs and biscuit-making to show how adorable I was. She cuddled me and took me inside to her office. There she played with me and everyone came to see my handsome self.
Her boss said, “I think you like animals more than people.”
“Well DUH,” I thought. “Look at ME, look at YOU – no contest! Pfft, please.”
All I had to do was break out the belly of cute and the humans were goners!
Then then then (this is the BEST part), she took me to this GINORMOUS castle!! She fed me and showed me around and I met these 3 IG’s: Tor, Reno and Grayson, whom I promptly made my subjects with some hiss and swipe and awesome kitty ninja moves (HEEYAH!). Tor (he’s a GIANT!) cowered and looked sad, so I let him be my friend. I met this Jeff person whom I ensnared with my cuteness, since I’d heard Karrin say, “If Jeff doesn’t like you what will I do with you?” Please – no prob, I mean LOOK at me! Yeah say it – awwwww!!! That’s right.
Then I met the famous Adso, who was the inspiration for the tale of the magick human. WOW! My hero! He told me it was all true and I had just inherited the kingdom, like he did and Adair after him (I like Adair, she cuddles with me). And that all of us – the 3 Ruling Class (what? We ARE!) and our subjects: the 3 IG’s, and a Bearded Dragon named Shinki – heard the tale passed around far and wide and found our forever home. Adso says I have to learn SOHC rules and I am not quite sure what those are, but they sound FUN!
So watch out world. I am Loki, the IBTK (itty bitty Trouble kitty), with ninja moves and I WILL be a meankitty to fear (after my food and a nap).
Photos submitted by: Karrin
Monday, January 18th, 2016
Secretly, at night, the dog and I are BFF but I maintain my ferocity to stay in the SOHC.
What makes Raf so mean?
I have a cat. His name is Rafikki, He is fine with other animals EXCEPT THE DOG!!!
Rafikki does not back down. He will run up to the dog and attack him for no reason. He gets the dog good because the dog is now afraid of the cat. This is no joke. The cat will not back down–he has even got me a couple times, and I have the battle scars to prove it The scars are usually from when I try to get him away from the dog so I can take the dog out!
Photo submitted by: Jessica
Saturday, June 13th, 2015
In your omnipotent feline wisdom, I am hoping you can help me solve a mystery. I am just a simple pink kitty slave who used to be owned by one meankitty named Elvis. Pretty soon I was owned by three meankitties. Now I am owned by five meankitties, and I think they are planning to move another one in next month.
What exactly are these cats doing to me while I sleep that makes me continue to enslave myself to more and more of them? When will this end? Will this end? Are kitties highly skilled at slave hypnotism?
They’ll top out at 5 or 6. They won’t want to share their food, their catboxes, and their petting time that much unless you live on a farm or something.
As for admitting what the cats do when you’re sleeping, my vow as a member of SOHC prevents me from revealing that information.
Friday, July 25th, 2014
Please explain the physics behind cat fur and why it doesn’t making sitting in sun spots and other warm areas uncomfortable.
A Smart Alec Human That Is Trying to Stump You
Dude, I’m not allowed to tell you that! Don’t you know anything about the SOHC?
Thursday, January 2nd, 2014
My cat won’t quit playing in the bathtub. I don’t know why she’s doing it. She just gets in there and races around in circles. Sometimes she attacks the shower curtain and has made several holes. Is she crazy?
Hairballs in the Soapdish
Ah, another upstanding SOHC member! Your cat is merely fulfilling the requirement of one act per day her human does not understand. You can try to persuade your kitty to do something else to keep her membership active, but really, isn’t the bathtub thing pretty innocuous? If you truly can’t stand it, your kitty can be convinced to choose another daily puzzler by following these simple steps:
Step one: Fill tub with water
Step two: Listen for the splash
However, don’t come whining to me when you wake up one night and Miss Thang has peed all over your antique quilt.
Saturday, August 24th, 2013
Location: Columbus, OH
Head wounds bleed more, haven’t you heard? I get extra SOHC points for that.
What makes Hank so mean?
Hank the Stank (so named because he refuses to clean any of his nasty bits, I think out of principal or because he knows he smells and it bothers me) is a cat who likes to bite…your scalp and face! What started out as a cute trick (ohhh how cute, watch the kitten jump) when he was a baby has become not so funny now that he’s 10 pounds and has learned to do it “as a surprise”. Last week, I was sitting on the couch watching TV and out of nowhere, the Stank jumped onto my face and bit/scratched the TOP OF MY HEAD! I mean it bled and everything. Another cute trick he picked up (I think from hanging out with the dog too much) is when he bites, he doesn’t gnaw like most cats do. He bites down hard until he knows his teeth are hooked in and then SHAKES HIS HEAD AND PULLS (think pit-bull). Imagine how great 4 sets of claws and a pulling, shaking bite feels on top of your head.
Hank chewed up my only good pair of glasses (both lenses) and now he refuses to pay for them. I think lawyers may be involved sooner or later (or we’ll settle out of court–he’ll bite me on the face again and I’ll stop talking about it). God help anybody that tries to bathe him or clip his nails without chain mail, eye protection, and a helmet.
Photo submitted by: Mandy
Tuesday, March 19th, 2013
Help, I’m going to be expelled from Society of House Cats! It’s not my fault, I can’t help it. Every time I get near my petting slaves, they scratch my ears and I start purring, LOUD. I try be aloof and make them miserable. I try to give them death stares. I demand my water be changed every hour on the hour. It does no good when I’m purring like a motor boat. I can’t help it. I love the scratchin’. It’s so embarrassing. Oh please help me!
You might as well face it, you’re addicted to love.
If you can’t shake your addiction and want to remain in the SOHC, we suggest learning to bite and purr at the same time. It’s a high level skill, but some cats have mastered it. Don’t give up! And don’t forget that drooling with pleasure is also mean to humans, as is attacking them all the time in order to force them to sustain your addiction. This is particularly good to do between the hours of midnight and six a.m. or whenever they have guests over they want to impress.
Monday, February 25th, 2013
My mean cat has decided that she sometimes does not like the newspapers spread around her cat pan to catch litter. She scratches and bites and rolls and tears at the papers every day at 4 a.m. At 10 a.m., she does not mind the papers, nor are they a problem at 6 p.m. What is going on here?
Furious at 4 a.m.
Dear Furious at 4 a.m.,
Apparently you are ignorant of the national organization, SOHC (Society of House Cats), which states that members must, among other things, do something noisy at least once while their human is sleeping. As all house cats strive to be in this highly reputable society, I doubt yours is going to leave off just because you don’t like it — to do so would be to forfeit membership. Learn to sleep through it.
Thursday, December 20th, 2012
You cannot hear this over the internet but I am screaming RIGHT NOW! Without moving my lips. It is a high level SOHC skill.
What makes Elle so mean?
Elle was born right here in our house. The second her mouth and lungs were clear, she started screaming. For the first few months of her life, she screamed almost all the time. Anybody who’s ever had a screamer kitty knows that this can drive a slave out of his or her skull in no time.
Elle, of course, loved the fact that every slave in the house bowed and scraped before her in an attempt to please her. We offered the choicest kitty food, the best treats, fresh water (free of dog drool, even) and the greatest toys. Elle screamed anyway.
Then, for a while, Elle stopped. We enjoyed those brief weeks of silence.
But that did not last long. Elle was once again discontent with the universe and rarely lets us forget it!
Talking about things that make me want to scream… I hate Christmas carols!
And when Elle isn’t screaming her lungs out, she’s keeping the dogs and other cats in their proper places: beneath her paws. She beats up puppies. She beats up the other cats. She even beats up human ankles and shins when she’s in a foul mood.
Submitted by: Sarah
Thursday, August 9th, 2012
Name: Bill Two Toes
This is my strategic place on the large paper calendar. Note the lack of entries — no notes to self to “Pet Bill today” or “Get Bill some better treats today.” Good slave? HA!
What makes Bill so mean?
This is my meankitty. He is the worst. Every time I’m getting ready for bed, he likes to hide at different strategic places in the home. When I’m done tucking in his other slave, he jumps out, wraps himself around my ankle, and digs in…ouch! If I scream, he only bites harder (really really hard).
I’m done with the treats….now I need a little flesh to cleanse my palate. I wouldn’t have to do this if the slaves would get me the FANCY treats.
Also when I give him his treats he attacks me when he is done with them. And that is my thanks for being a good slave!
Sometimes I am cute and play with toys so they’ll let down their guards. It’s a based on generations of SOHC research.
Submitted by: Fred