Posts Tagged ‘master fey’
Monday, January 6th, 2014
Name: Mrs. Calabash
Location: New York City
I'm going to have to teach you a little lesson, human...
What makes Mrs. Calabash so mean?
I’d like to submit two photos — a before’n'after, if you will, of my kitty, Mrs. Calabash.
File Under “The Price of Fame”:
First came the photo shoot. She was sexy and curvy, yet wholesome, with big clear eyes and a sweet face, just the kind of girl you’d take home to Mother. After that first screen test came fame, and along with fame came the inevitable decadence… the parties, the drugs, the all-night Tender Vittles orgies. Now, out of her skull on catnip and Pounce Hairball Treats, incandescent with rage, Mrs. Calabash claws out the eyeballs of the paparazzi, snarling: “I said put the camera AWAY, monkeyboy! And I mean NOW.”
Never ever ever try to photograph me until I've washed my whiskers!
Photo submitted by: Hanne Blank
Monday, September 2nd, 2013
Name: Killer Kitten
The secret to silky fur...human pain!
What makes Kitten so mean?
Kitten lives on a diet of the cheapest on-sale dry food plus anything she can kill. She has a beautiful coat — she’s getting the nutrition from somewhere. I can pick her up and put her on my shoulder, where she can walk around. My girlfriend can actually hold her for five, maybe ten seconds. My GF’s roommate saw us with Kitten and tried to pick up “the nice kitty” and got four sets of claws as well as teeth. To the face. Many stitches.
Kitten will lurk in wait of your passing by, and then nail you with her claws. For fun.
She is truly eeeeevil.
Photo submitted by: Kirk
Saturday, August 3rd, 2013
Name: Tuxedo Max
I know I'm a lightweight when it comes to SOHC qualifications, but I'm a heavyweight in mah belly!
What makes T-Max so mean?
Tuxedo Max (AKA TuxTux KittyKitty) may not LOOK mean (or even act mean) but he IS! In his high and mighty snuggliness, he endeavors to suffocate me at least once a day. The attack is usually preceded by the tried and true “Look at my cute belly!” maneuver. Once I succumb to the charm of that flashy white belly (which is huge, by the way, he’s a 20 pounder), and pick him up, he proceeds to headbutt me and block my breathing passages with his massive, longhaired sides. Also when he is in full purring smother attack, he has been known to ever so slowly get his face close to that sensitive part of my inner arm and CHOMP! He bites down with those long and pointy teeth. The only way to stave off these attacks of smothering is to fill his food dish heaping full, immediately. Or offer him catnip, in which case, he is reduced to a puddle of drooling mush. I’m sure that’s just a ploy, to get me to offer him more munchy snacks.
Photo submitted by: Elisa
Friday, December 28th, 2012
That wasn’t psychosis, that was the hazing I had to inflict to become a member of SOHC. Silly humans.
What makes Kitty so mean?
Kitty (simple name) has truly shown an evil streak in the past but has since been exorcised…although at times he does give a look that brings back memories…
Memories of standing on top of furniture (four grown men trying to avoid claws) on Christmas morning when Kitty mentally skipped a groove and went ballistic, which worked the other 2 cats and all 4 men in the room into a frenzy of wrapping paper, falling furniture and debris. Finally we used thick oven mitts to grab him and lock him in the bedroom for a timeout. He was out of the bedroom by the afternoon but growling and hissing for another couple of days, keeping everyone (cats and humans) sleeping with one eye open for about a week. True feline psychosis!
Photo submitted by: Buck
Sunday, February 27th, 2011
My house. My yard. My rules. You don't like it? Get out. But come back whenever I need a door opened, 'kay?
What makes Willie so mean?
She’s a total wench! She’s evil. She was brought into this world to make my life difficult. She chases people out of the house and across the yard, even people like me who live there.
Submitted by: Anon
Saturday, February 26th, 2011
Location: Columbus, GA
Alvin down. Simon and Theodore to go. NO MORE SQUEAKWELS!
What makes Tinkerbell so mean?
Don’t be fooled by her sweet Disney name. Why is she mean? Tinkerbell is a natural hunter and loves to bring things home to us. Mostly she’ll bring home already tormented and killed rodents. But the other day it was cool outside (my dad’s all about saving money), so instead of leaving the air on, we just kept the back door open. The cats would come and go as they please.
I saw Tinkerbell coming toward the house, through the window. I didn’t think anything of it. Then all of a sudden I hear my dad yell, “Get that chipmunk out of this house!” Now, of course, you’d think she would chase after the chipmunk, torment it and finally kill it, but no, she laid down and watched my dad and I chase that little thing all the way around the house. If that’s not mean, I don’t know what is.
Submitted by: Jennifer
Friday, February 25th, 2011
Is it dinnertime yet? I'm practicing being heavy.
What makes T-bone so mean?
We might have know that naming a cat T-bone would turn out poorly, but we did it anyway. He isn’t so much of a scratcher or biter, as he makes himself inconvenient. While we’re eating dinner, T-bone (and his side kick, Stanley) will steal entire halves of cheese steaks, slices of pizza, bags of pretzels (we’ve been meaning to work on our diet). After a few times, we decided that during dinner we would lock them in the bathroom. (It’s a small apartment and that’s the only actual door.)
This is always a challenge. Not only do we have to find them, but they then somehow make themselves “heavier” by pressing themselves close to the floor so we have the worst trouble picking them up. While we eat, they ransack the bathroom and sometimes “relieve” themselves in a way in which you know that it’s just for spite!
Hey, I'm actually a different cat than above! I don't know if I'm Stanley or T-bone. But does it matter? What matters is, I just put some kitty litter in Angela's coffee!
We should name out next cat AngelBooBooKittyBear or something equally saccharin.
Submitted by: Angela T.
Thursday, February 24th, 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Heyyyy, Mandy! Feel like getting your furry butt whipped?
What makes Sly so mean?
Bugger having my owners tell you why I’m such a meankitty. I’ll tell you myself.
I love harassing my sister Mandy. Any opportunity I get I’ll sneak up on her and pounce! None of the wussy playful pouncing stuff – it’s all claws and flying fur when I attack. And just so she can never relax, I keep her on her toes all day, every day. Just a glance in her direction is enough to have her scampering for the cat door. When our human calls us for dinner I sneak up and wait at the cat door once again and prevent her from coming up the stairs….rrreow!
When it comes to food I push her out of the way and scoff the lot. If she finds a favourite place to sleep, guess who gets there first and is waiting for her next time she wants to take a nap?
This is me laughing at all the havoc I cause. I'm fulla chortles!
Oh, and I’m not just a mean kitty I’m also a kitty posse, all by myself. You see there was this annoyingly wimpy old moggy called Mittens that lived downstairs from the flat where my humans live. One night I spooked this kitty so bad in the back yard that Mittens ran in terror down the driveway, right across the road, never to return. Yep, that’s right. I as good as chased off old Mittens. Not that anyone could pin it on me. Sly by name, sly by nature.
Photo submitted by: Anon
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
Location: Woodland, WA
You thought you could escape me, but I tracked you down here to eke my revenge. Who has delusions now, human?
What makes Snarf so mean?
This is Snarf, the bio-polar seven toed mutant devil kitty! He is nice to you and rubs on your leg then suddenly turns and hisses and slaps you.
He has delusions of grandeur, wanting to be the neighborhood bully and going around picking on cats but ends up getting his butt whipped because his first owner had him declawed. Now he lives up in the hills on a farm-like atmosphere where he is the only kitty around and has no competition.
Submitted by: Desma
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
Location: Where He’s Not Supposed To Be
Cuz I'm a COW-boy, bay-bay!
What makes Squirt so mean?
This is Squirt. His aliases include Squirtmaster J, Jimmy DumDum, and LittleMan. From his kittenhood he has demonstrated his own particular passion in life: Going Where He is Not Supposed to Be. This might include the top of the stove (even when in use), inside the refrigerator, inside the dresser behind the drawers, into the apartment building hallway, or on top of the kitchen cupboards. His ability to find new places that he is Not Supposed to Be has given rise to the “Legend Of Squirt”:
The Legend of Squirt
A train pulls into a small, dusty western town. Tumbleweeds roll by on the horizon and all is quiet. A shiny black and white stranger steps down from the train. He squints at the horizon and spits. Then he moseys over to the sleeping local cat on a nearby bench. He kicks him awake. Once he has the local cat’s attention, Squirt pushes his cowboy hat back on his head, shows his fangs for a moment and then says in a slow drawl, “Hello Stranger. I’m a new cat in town. Can you tell me where I’m Not Supposed to Be?” After receiving his answer from the terrified local he will immediately go wherever it is that he is Not Supposed to Be.
Mission accomplished, he gets back on the train.
Submitted by: Laura