My human just brought home this wretched little feline to share my space. His name is Sam, apparently, but I think of him as “the crapper.” He follows me around and makes these stupid chirping noises when he runs. He is a total runt and probably weighs less than my tail. I know I could just rip his little black head off, but I worry about the stain that might make on my pristine white fur. Can you suggest a neater, tidier way to get rid of the menace?
Dear Friend Nala,
It’s going to take some work on your part, but we recommend you master the art of the sliding glass door. The slaves will forget to lock it one day — use the SOHC hypnotism technique on page 56 of the manual if you must — and you can slide it open and shove the Crapper out it. Then he will run away, because he sounds like the type, and you will have your human to yourself again. I am very sympathetic to your plight, as at the time I am answering this email we have 4 crappy rats upstairs and all my plots to rid myself of them and their stinking mother have failed. So far.
[[Note: this historically significant and yet accurate advice was written during Meankitty's trial of Kittenwatch, documented on the archive site. There are not currently any kittens OR rats in the Meankitty household.]]