Meankitty.com

Name: Sadie
Location: Denver, CO

Open up! I'm a kitty dentist.

What makes Sadie so mean?

My poor dog…This is mean Sadie, hanging off her nose.

Submitted by: Lindsay

Name: Arnie
Location: Unknown

How could she call me ANY kind of dog? I'm feline personified. I'll have to bite her for that insult.

What makes Arnie so mean?

Arnie was adopted because he looked so pitiful with his tiny tail. Also the humane society people told me that he had been UN-adopted one time already. I wondered why they were smiling and high-fiving as I left with him blinking up at me from his box.

Oh yes, Arnie looked all sad and pitiful but as soon as he came home he became a Crazy Battle-Dog in spirit. Arnie has been known to fake a limp and a squinty pirate eye to gain sympathy while he is planning how next to bite you. He loves to play fetch, but if he brings you something and you BREAK THE RULES by NOT throwing it a.s.a.p., you will be bitten, and hard, until you wise up and throw the stupid flower/mouse/hairband/twist-tie, at which point the game begins anew.

Arnie also enjoys licking dust from the blinds and furniture, a habit which has lured him into the furnace ducts at great peril to his fuzzy life. He likes to hide in the dishwasher. He likes to play the piano when he is hungry. He likes to try to eat the other little kitties, beginning with a nice sneak-attack bite on the back. Arnie is very tall and strong, his back legs longer than his front ones. Arnie is the meanest, most wonderful kitty of all time.

Submitted by: Miss Julie

Dear Meankitty,

My name is Faith and I LUFF socks. Yes. I have 1 special sock of a yellow color but…you’ll never believe this…THE DAWG TOOK IT!!! I have been plotting my revenge, but the slaves keep taking me away from him when I go to get it. Help.

Much Love,
Faith

***

Dear Faith,

You know? Socks come in pairs. Not only that but DAWGS, idiots that they are, are color blind. Either find the other yellow sock for yourself or trick the dog with some pink socks.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Name: Amadeus
Location: Unknown

Dog: "WHINE! That's not what I meant by Rock Me Amadeus!"

What makes Amadeus so mean?

This is Amadeus, she’s the ultimate mean kitty. She lives with two 70 pound Huskies who are afraid to walk past her. They will whine until I remove her from their path.

She is also the disciplinarian for the foster dogs that come into the household. Here she is teaching the new foster dog Memphis the rules of the household. There’s only one rule that matters – don’t cross Amadeus!

Submitted by: Some human

Name: Steven Gustaf
Location: Syracuse, NY

I'm not in the mood to lure you in by being faux-cuddly. Get lost!

What makes Steven so mean?

My name is Steven and I am a mean kitty! My human found your site and immediately thought I should enter, since she is always telling me I am the meanest kitty ever. I am a year and a half old “buff” tiger cat that my mom rescued from some people who said I “played too rough” with their dog. Mom thought they were being silly and that the dog was wimpy, but then she got to know me and understood. My favorite things to do are, in no particular order:

-Beat up my sister kitties, including my 16 yr old sister who is so much fun to attack because she hates me SOOOO much!
-Beat up the stupid doggies, though they kind of like it. They are a lot bigger than me but I’m tougher and make them bleed a lot.
-Breaking all of mom’s stuff, like expensive jewelry and vases and curtains. I also like to knock pictures off the walls and hide mom’s favorite clothes under the bed.
-Biting and scratching people. All the time. Without warning. Especially when they think I’m in a good mood and being cuddly and cute. That’s just how I lure them in. I give myself extra points for scratching babies and the elderly.
-Eating everything I can, whether it’s edible or not. Mom doesn’t understand that all the food is mine, and her lack of understanding often gets her scratched and bitten.
-Other miscellaneous activities like tipping over the dog’s water dish, unraveling the toilet paper, stealing the bathtub drain cover, yowling loudly at all hours of the day and night, etc.

This is how I punish the dogs for being dogs. I punish humans and cats for other reasons.

My mom says that I’ll be a nice kitty eventually, once I’m all grown up, but I don’t think she should get her hopes up, since being mean is too much fun!

Submitted by: Rachel

DEAR MEANKITTY,

HELP!! (howl) I’m a dog stuck in a kitty world (bark, woof). My owners have 9 cats inside and several more outside (whimper), almost more than my sister and I can take (whine). They eat at our food (when they have their own), drink at our water bowl, play with our toys and our tails (whimper, whine). I wouldn’t mind if they didn’t use their claws and attack us for no reason (whine, whine). The she human now keeps the doggie door locked (whine) because she is afraid that something will happen to her inside cats (bark?). So we have to hold it till she comes home (whine). The male human doesn’t believe in locking up pets but is overpowered by the she (whine?). If he had his way the doggie door would be left open for all to use (wag, wag). Despite the rumors, cats don’t taste like chicken, more like a hair ball with thorns (bark).

Love,
The DOG

***

Dear Dog,

I cannot imagine why you have written to me for advice. A dog? I don’t dole out my goods for any dog. If you know what cats taste like, then you deserve to have your tail torn to ribbons. Luckily, my human typing slave is also not a big fan of dogs, although that Stupid Pink Thing might want one some day should it be misguided by the supposed appeal of puppy cuteness. While I am on the subject of the Stupid Pink Thing, let me add that it is now walking around on two legs, able to chase me at will. It ain’t so great.

Sincerely,
Meankitty
[Historic advice written when the small humans were much smaller...]