Posts Tagged ‘authors’

Gallery: Zoe Hilton

Tuesday, November 6th, 2012

Name: Zoe
Location: Raleigh, NC

Zoe is a meankitty

Go directly to my litterbox. Do not pass the fridge. Do not collect 200 dollars. Unless you want to get me a scrap of ham. In that case, leave it under the foot of a bed by 1 am sharp.

What makes Zoe so mean?

Zoe was an orphan who wandered onto our front porch, infested with parasites and half-starved. We have no idea how long she was on her own, but the vet said that she was very anemic and would have died if we hadn’t saved her. We named her Zoe because she is a survivor like Zoe in Firefly, and because she has black stripes around her neck like Zoe’s necklace.

She doesn’t trust anyone in the house except my 12yo daughter, who is her “mommy.” Zoe loves her with all her little black kitty heart, but the rest of us can just go straight to he…r litterbox. But she is not above taunting us with her cuteness, laying out of arm’s reach and looking adorable, wriggling on her back as if she wants to be petted. And when we reach for her ZING! she bolts away, chortling, “You will not have me, ugly two-legged troglodytes!”

Her kitty superpower is invisibility. No guest to our home has ever seen her. Most of the time, we don’t even see her. Just kitty footprints on top of the stove, or the sound of desperate scratching as she tries to cover yet another of Kaylee’s endless poos. Kaylee is a more recent addition to the family. They get along well enough, but Kaylee eats everything in sight, spurring Zoe to employ her finely-honed scavenging skills from her earlier life. That, and her invisibility, means that bits of ham and bread crusts often disappear from our plates, right under our noses.

Zoe and Kaylee have cat mindpowers

Meankitties Zoe and Kaylee can disrupt a camera’s focus…with their BRAINS!

Zoe’s motto is semper pro mater – “Always for mother.” She decloaks at the foot of my daughter’s bed every night, and I sometimes find her being clutched like a teddy bear at 2am. It is the only time I am able to touch her, when she is safe in her mother’s arms.

Submitted by: Author JL Hilton (


Gallery: Kaylee

Sunday, November 4th, 2012

Name: Kaylee
Location: Raleigh, NC


Kaylee is a meankitty

SHAZAM! I am beside your game. SHAZAM! I am in the middle of your game. SHAZAM! I am under the bed because you yelled at me for messing up your game.

What makes Kaylee so mean?

Kaylee is mean because she eats all of our Nerf darts. At 1-1/2 years old, she looks big, but is still a kitten at heart. She doesn’t realize how sharp her claws and teeth are, but she likes to play and gets too rough at times. Her favorite time to play is at night when everyone is asleep, and her favorite game to play is “bite the feet.” We go through a lot of Bandaids. She will also bite and shred any poor, unsuspecting roll of toilet paper that gets away from the herd. But she spends most of her time looking for her nap, which she usually finds right in the middle of the floor where we’re walking.

Kaylee makes a mean mess

Can you get me another roll? I’m almost out.

Kaylee gets along very well with Zoe, our other cat, but sometimes they play the “I can eat your head” game. We’re not sure what’s going on exactly, but it looks like a cat version of thumb-wrestling, and the one who can get the other’s head in her mouth first, wins. Kaylee also eats like a pig and poops like a fiend, and doesn’t cover her business. This upsets Zoe a lot more than it upsets us, though.

Her kitty superpower is teleportation. I might see her on the couch, then I walk down the hall, enter the bathroom, turn around to close the door, and SHAZAM, she’s laying in the middle of my bed. Wha– what?

Her motto is In dubio somno – When in doubt, take a nap.

Submitted by: Author JL Hilton (


Gallery: Merlin J Poopbutt

Thursday, November 1st, 2012

Name: Merlin J. Poopbutt
Location: Kitty heaven

Merlin is a meankitty

Refereeing all the wimmins kept me young! Had to put them in their place, man.

What makes Merlin so mean?

What made him MEAN were other mean kitties! He never scratched the furniture or the people, though he had long claws. I never heard him hiss. He never pooped or peed on all the things. Even when I had children and they were less than gentle, he tolerated their graceless manhandling with tons of purr. He never got underfoot, but would always “supervise” from the sidelines whenever we were doing housework or some other project. We think he was a handyman in a past life.

But the meanness in him came out when I got married. My husband had a calico named Freebie. I had Merlin and a tiny neurotic tabby named Nimue. Freebie and Nimue didn’t get along. One morning not long after we moved in together, we awoke to find the livingroom covered in blood. Bloody footprints on the carpet, blood splattered across the walls. It was horrific.

We located Freebie, cornered behind my husband’s bicycle in the back of the kitchen, Merlin staring her down through the spokes, and Nimue nursing a wounded paw. We reconstructed the incident based on the evidence and the crime scene, and figured out that Freebie and Nimue must have gotten into it, and Merlin intervened.

We found Freebie a happier home where she could be supreme ruler again. Two years later, Nimue found a quiet home with a nice old lady, where she didn’t have to endure the squalling of our new furless baby, nor feel compelled to pee on all furless baby’s things nor claw up furless baby’s doorway in protest. Merlin stayed with us until the end of his days at the age of 16. He was the sweetest, gentlest cat friend that ever lived and he is greatly missed.

Submitted by: Author JL Hilton (