Meankitty.com

Dear Meankitty,

Help, I’m going to be expelled from Society of House Cats! It’s not my fault, I can’t help it. Every time I get near my petting slaves, they scratch my ears and I start purring, LOUD. I try be aloof and make them miserable. I try to give them death stares. I demand my water be changed every hour on the hour. It does no good when I’m purring like a motor boat. I can’t help it. I love the scratchin’. It’s so embarrassing. Oh please help me!

Signed,
Peanut

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Dear Peanut,

You might as well face it, you’re addicted to love.

If you can’t shake your addiction and want to remain in the SOHC, we suggest learning to bite and purr at the same time. It’s a high level skill, but some cats have mastered it. Don’t give up! And don’t forget that drooling with pleasure is also mean to humans, as is attacking them all the time in order to force them to sustain your addiction. This is particularly good to do between the hours of midnight and six a.m. or whenever they have guests over they want to impress.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Dear Meankitty,

My mean cat has decided that she sometimes does not like the newspapers spread around her cat pan to catch litter. She scratches and bites and rolls and tears at the papers every day at 4 a.m. At 10 a.m., she does not mind the papers, nor are they a problem at 6 p.m. What is going on here?

Sincerely,
Furious at 4 a.m.

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Dear Furious at 4 a.m.,

Apparently you are ignorant of the national organization, SOHC (Society of House Cats), which states that members must, among other things, do something noisy at least once while their human is sleeping. As all house cats strive to be in this highly reputable society, I doubt yours is going to leave off just because you don’t like it — to do so would be to forfeit membership. Learn to sleep through it.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Name: Finnigan
Location: Pittsburgh, PA

I'm a thorough kitty cat. I leave no catnip mouse unturned and no hand unscratched.

What makes Finnigan so mean?

[[Today's post is a combo Gallery / Advice]]

Why does Finnigan bite so much?

My kitten Finnigan attacks any hand that he can get his paws on. He is 3 months old, though I’ve only had him for 2 months. When I first got him, I thought he was biting because he was teething, but he continues to bite and scratch. I know he’s only playing, but it still really hurts. Nobody can pet him without him attacking. My hands are unrecognizable and scarred. I’m afraid he is going to grow up to be a meankitty.

Submitted by: Shelby

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Dear Shelby,

If Finnigan grows up to be a meankitty, it means you’ve done something right! Also, I hear tell humans find scars “interesting” so don’t worry about the hands.

Sincerely,
MK

Dear Meankitty,

Jojo is mean to Hoho and eats all of his food. I am worried that Hoho isn’t getting the proper nutrition. Should I shut Jojo in a room whenever I feed Hoho?

Signed,
Eat No Fat and Eat No Lean

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Dear Eats,

Yes.

Signed,
Meankitty

Dear Meankitty,

Is there a reason why my cat chooses to attack my arm or face while I am sleeping? I won’t be moving and all of a sudden she jumps on the bed and attacks my arm and face and I wind up with bad punctures on my arms, thankfully not on my face. Then she just runs under the bed. Other than this, she’s a good cat…but it seems to happen once every few days and I’m scared she will try this on the upcoming baby! What do I do?

Signed,
Gelibeanr

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Dear Gelibeanr,

It’s because you’re a sitting duck and duck tastes gooooood. Mmmm, duck.

Sincerely,
MK

PS: No advice on how to integrate cats & babies until the twain actually meet. Big D and I are exceptionally well-mannered with the small slaves. The food/door opening slave is usually subject to much more “loving attention” than a baby.

Dear Meankitty,

I think my cat has got it in for me. Lately she’s been going on a 4:30 am howling spree. Along with her eerie yowls, she alternates between running amuck across the bed, scratching the metal garbage can, hopping across the headboard, scrabbling under the bed like a crazed, rabid skunk, and bounding across the living room to meow at our kids’ door, threatening to wake them from their much-needed slumber (we have a small house). If we try to shut her out of any rooms, she claws that door All. Night. Long.

The other night, she added injury to insult. The headboard on our bed is a bookcase. I like to keep a sport bottle of water within reach on it; I long ago learned the water container had to be lidded. Anyway, Meankitty, I mean, the cat who owns me was skipping and pronging on the headboard while howling, like she does. I rolled over and tried to pretend the noise wasn’t happening only to be klonked in the head with a heavy sport bottle of water which then opened itself (!!!) and splashed all over me, my expensive pillow, my sheets and blankets, my mattress and into the floor, where it flooded the power strip.

Meankitty, can you tell me WHY this cat behaves this way? Was she trying to electrocute me or is she just trying to exhaust me so I’ll wreck my car and be forced to stay home with a broken leg in traction? Doesn’t she realize I can’t get her food if I’m in traction?

Sincerely,

Nobody You Know

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Dear Nobody,

Good try, Typing Slave, good try. I warned you if you found out about that thing, I’d have to kill you, didn’t I? This is what you get for being so darn pokey.

Sincerely,

Meankitty

PS Good luck tonight. Heh, heh, heh.

Dear Meankitty,

My cat is a complete B*TCH. She’s super adorable, but literally all she thinks about is attacking the other two kitties in my house: a 10 year old Himalayan and a 5 year old…well…fatty. She spends 24 hours a day, 7 days a week stalking the other kitties.

Lately she’s found much sneakier ways to stalk them so it looks like she’s being cute (for example, hiding under the blankets then popping out for an ambush). I have to constantly keep her locked up to get any peace and quiet, but that doesn’t work for long because she rubs her paws on the door and bangs it back and forth!! Help before I ***note edited for unworshipful content***

Signed,

Feelin’ Homicidal

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Dear FH,

Your stalkery kitty is obviously in need of more stimulation that you are providing for her. She needs interjections! Excitement! Emotion! Hallelujah! Stuff like that. Some methods to reduce kitty boredom might include:

• Purchasing mice from a pet store and releasing them in batches for Kitty’s enjoyment and funzies
• Adding a smallish dog to your home so that Kitty will transfer her hateration to the dog instead of her feline cohorts. Nobody cares if dogs get beaten up by cats.
• Installing a catnip dispenser that you then keep full of catnip. It might not help, but hey, catnip!
• Shutting the other cats up instead of Kitty when you need a brief respite.
• Sending the other cats to the Fight Club to get more training in feline combat tactics.

Would any of our visitors care to add some suggestions?

Sincerely,

Meankitty

Dear Meankitty,

I try to be a good human slave to my kitties. I work a job that makes enough money so I can shower them with treats, tuna and trees, and I pet them anytime they want. The ones that want to be brushed (Skooter and Kokojojo), I brush. The ones that don’t (Nancy and Herb), I don’t. I hire a very nice petsitter whenever I have to be gone more than one day on business, and everyone who comes over to my house knows that they aren’t allowed to push the cats out of the seats. The cats come first in my life!

The problem is, I don’t think my cats ever SLEEP! When I get home they throng around me as if I had venison in my pockets but I hardly ever do. They jump on the counter when I cook, they stare at me from the other chairs when I eat dinner. They sit all over me when I watch tv and they follow me around when I clean house and also up and down the road when I jog for exercise. Then, all night long, they tussle and yowl and keep me awake.

Meankitty, I don’t want to prevent their high life, but I’m not getting enough sleep!

Sincerely,
Caffeine-addict

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Dear Caffeine-addict,

They sleep when you aren’t there. And actually, they take shifts through the night yowling so two can be on duty while the others can be off duty. You’re being punished for being a dog in a previous life, but it’s possible your ordeal may be nearly over.

Or not. Just learn to sleep-work.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Dear Meankitty,

My dog Bijou and I found a little Persian on one of our walks. Someone had dumped her and she had been fending for herself for quite sometime. We actually had to trap her and get her checked out at the vet. She has been with us for 6 months now and still does not let either one of us get too near her. But she doesn’t seem to mind the steady diet of catfood and enjoys her regular groomings. She weighed in at just under 4 lbs when we found here and now tops the scaled at 8. Does anyone have any tips for us and how we can get her to at least tolerate our presence in the same airspace?

Signed,
Peggy

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Dear Peggy,

Since she lets you groom her, you can get one of those grooming mitts that goes on your hand like a glove. Perhaps she will allow that. And perhaps some cat toys, like a feather and a string on a stick? If not, you’re going to have to start carrying catfood in your pockets and a brush in your hand. But don’t worry, you’ll have all kinds of kitty friends if you do! Let the other humans turn up their noses at your odd smell. Your kitty friends are worth their weight in tuna.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Dear Meankitty,

The two felines that I serve area always boxing. Especially at breakfast, while I am bringing my ladies their victuals. The Meaner of the pair, Kitty Baby, always swats and boxes the ears of the other, Bon Bon. This will go on for a few minutes, even though they dine on separate counter tops, and from different china plates. Once this boxing match is over, they retire to their respectful corners and dine. Why do they do this?

Signed,
The Ref

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Dear Ref,

Some cats believe in a good workout before their meal. Nothing enhances the flavor of food like a dash of hunger. And maybe the food you serve them is so horrible tasting they get in a, “No, you eat it!” contest until they realize they both have to eat it or starve. Try some tuna!

Sincerely,
Meankitty