Advice: Garage Inhabitants

June 1st, 2015  / Author: Meankitty

Dear MK,

I have encountered a problem with a kitty. It seems a female cat and her young have decided to settle in my garage. They are slowly taking it over. Now my garage smells and I get hissed at every time I go to the car. Is there some kind of cat repellent or some way to hint to these trespassing cats that my garage is not a good place to stay?

Signed,
Finicky

***

Dear Finicky,

Sounds like you’ve got some new cats to love, obey, and cherish! They are hissing at you because they want food, a cat pan, and trips to the vet in short order. The ones of proper age want to get fixed. Well, they don’t really WANT to get fixed, but if you don’t get them fixed they’ll make more and more and more cats until you live at stinky feral cat house, and doing bad things to them when you could just as easily take care of them is unacceptable.

Can’t take care of them? Then you’ll have to trap them and take them to the closest no-kill shelter.

Sincerely,
MK

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Gallery: Weechin

May 25th, 2015  / Author: Meankitty

Name: Weechin
Location: Under the beds, spitting out meds

Swee aka Weechin is a meankitty

Do not pose the S'wee in tawdry photos or the Swee will shred you later.

What makes Weechin so mean?

Her name is because when she was a kitten she had a small (wee) chin. Her current nickname is S’wee which stands for Sweet Wee. She just turned one year old and to celebrate her “coming out” she decided to Belly Up to the Bar at our house. She is so temperamental and touchy that we developed a top-ten list of “Things Not to do to the S’wee”.

1. Do not kiss the S’wee
2. Do not pickup/hold the S’wee
3. Do not approach the S’wee
4. Do not taunt the S’wee
5. Do not look at the S’wee
6. Do not roughhouse with the S’wee
7. Do not make loud noises around the S’wee
8. Do not keep old food in bowl of the S’wee (if it’s more than an hour old she will not eat it)
9. Do not talk to the S’wee
10. Do not ignore the S’wee

All of the above are from true experiences that either my wife or I have encountered.

Submitted by: Steve

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Advice: Wretched Little Rats

May 23rd, 2015  / Author: Meankitty

Dear Meankitty:

My human just brought home this wretched little feline to share my space. His name is Sam, apparently, but I think of him as “the crapper.” He follows me around and makes these stupid chirping noises when he runs. He is a total runt and probably weighs less than my tail. I know I could just rip his little black head off, but I worry about the stain that might make on my pristine white fur. Can you suggest a neater, tidier way to get rid of the menace?

Sincerely,
Meankitty Nala

***

Dear Friend Nala,

It’s going to take some work on your part, but we recommend you master the art of the sliding glass door. The slaves will forget to lock it one day — use the SOHC hypnotism technique on page 56 of the manual if you must — and you can slide it open and shove the Crapper out it. Then he will run away, because he sounds like the type, and you will have your human to yourself again. I am very sympathetic to your plight, as at the time I am answering this email we have 4 crappy rats upstairs and all my plots to rid myself of them and their stinking mother have failed. So far.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

[[Note: this historically significant and yet accurate advice was written during Meankitty’s trial of Kittenwatch, documented on the archive site. There are not currently any kittens OR rats in the Meankitty household.]]

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Gallery: Dominic

April 30th, 2015  / Author: Meankitty

Name: Dominic
Location: Unknown

Dominic is a meankitty

To be politically correct, you should just call me SIR, YES SIR.

What makes Dominic so mean?

When we got him at 8 months of age his name was “Hitler” because of his ‘half mustache.’ In the attempt to be politically correct, we renamed him ‘Dominic.’ Now I’m starting to think there was something to that original name.

* He nips my fingers and toes while I’m still in bed in the morning. If I’m ‘clever’ enough to cover my body parts with the blanket, he goes for my face. The longer you ignore him, the more aggressive he gets. Band-aids are strategically placed next to the bed.

* For some reason he feels the need to chew my wedding band off. His teeth often miss the intended target and find their way into my flesh. At times my ring finger has been fatter than my thumb due to swelling. Don’t think he liked me getting married.

Dominic is a meankitty

Who needs claws when I have teeth and brute strength?

* Wakes us up at least once every night trying to claw his way into our bedroom or our daughter’s bedroom (he is declawed); and then….

* Wakes us up during a second portion of the night beating up the stray cat.

* Has scarred the nose/face of our gentle, minding-his-own-business 100 lb. Golden Retriever (thus the need for declawing him).

* Has killed 1 of our pet frogs, and directly killed 2 of our pet lizards (and indirectly a 3rd whom we think had a heart attack). Strange part too is we have no idea how he got to the lizards in the first place because they were living in a sealed terrarium.

* Insists on running outside every time we open the front door even a centimeter although we totally intended for him to be an indoor cat – then he won’t come back inside.

* I swear he vomits because he enjoys hearing me cuss as I clean it up. Have taken him to the vet more than once and they insist his tummy is just fine. I try to chase him into our kitchen (because of the linoleum floor – easier clean-up) right before he gets sick, but kitty must love the feel of rug underneath his feet and hides under the dining room table to finish his purging. This is what they invented long tablecloths for – to hide what’s underneath!

Submitted by: John and Lea

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Gallery: Baby (4)

April 28th, 2015  / Author: Meankitty

Name: Baby (4)
Location: Richmond, VA

Baby is a Meankitty

Nope. Not moving'.

What makes Baby so mean?

This lazy fatty won’t move off the couch. My husband and I got Baby from my parents, who are moving, a while ago. She has lived outdoors all of her 12 years and is adjusting like a queen to indoor life.

Among her new hobbies are the following activities: claiming the entire couch as her personal throne, attempting to run the household from her throne, defending her throne from the other four cats with almighty swats of her paws, not allowing her slaves to sit on the couch (or if they do they must contort around her because SHE cannot be bothered), trying to sleep on her slaves’ faces during the night, shedding all over the couch, meowing pitifully and alarming everyone as though she were dying, putting herself first under threat of Death when snacks are given out, giving everyone the Death Stare if they offend her sensibilities in any way, and finally, lolling around on her back looking as cute as possible in an effort to convince her slaves that she really ISN’T the most Satanic cat in this household.

Baby is a meankitty

It's hard work hogging the whole couch. How about you get me some snackage? You can choose that or Death.

No one is convinced.

Submitted by: Emily & Wesley

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Advice: Litterbox Misery

April 7th, 2015  / Author: Meankitty

Dear Meankitty,

My cat won’t go in the box, my cat won’t go in the box, my cat won’t go in the box, my cat whizzes in the clothes, my cat poops in the living room! What will I do?

Sincerely,
Ten Thousand Slaves

***

Dear Slaves,

I get this question more often than any other. Any. Other. I have answered it several times, in several variations, but no more! At least, no more until I feel like answering it again. Or think of something new that is bound to be entirely useless for actual cat behavioral issues, which you may or may not have noticed, I don’t often “do”. Anyway, if you asked me this anytime over, oh, I dunno, the past freakin’ year, this is your response.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Advice: Hidden Assets

March 1st, 2015  / Author: Meankitty

Dear Meankitty,

I have a new kitten (about 10wks old) we are keeping in our spare bathroom so he has space to play yet not the run of the house yet. As expected he is scared and has managed to crawl under a cabinet and only comes out to eat when no one is around. The good part is that he can get in or out as he needs, but runs back under at the first sight of us or noise. We are worried he will not bond to us. I assume it’s best to let him come out and stay out on his own rather then forcefully pull him out. Any suggestions for coaxing him out?

Regards,
Hidden kitty

***

Dear Hider,

Get the kitty a cardboard box with a kitty sized hole for him to hide in and block off the egress to the cabinet. Then at least you can get him out more easily should you need to. Also you could cut a few stick-sized holes in the kitty box to “play” with kitty through using feathers or sticks or strings. And toss some of your dirty human clothes in the bathroom floor to get the kitten used to your scent. Or just give him a more interesting place to go potty!

Sincerely,
Meankitty & her Typing Slave

***

Dear Meankitty,

Worked great! Now the kitty is out and playing with the others.

Sincerely,
The Slaves

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Gallery: Hunter

February 12th, 2015  / Author: Meankitty

Name: Hunter
Location: Unknown

Hunter bites feed

I'm NOT ready for my close-up.

What makes Hunter so mean?

Hunter is a mean kitty because he lives up to his name. His prey? Human feet. I also live up to the slave part. I believe the only reason I haven’t been killed in my sleep is because he hasn’t learn to drive a car yet.

Other than the fact that I can drive to the grocery store to get chow Hunter finds me completely useless. This picture was taken after I had been taking pictures of him all day and like any celebrity, which he knows he is, Hunter had grown tried of the paparazzi and attacked.

Photo submitted by: Tamarra

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Gallery: Sir Oliver

February 7th, 2015  / Author: Meankitty

Name: Sir Oliver
Location: Unknown

Sir Oliver is a Meankitty

WHAP! Teach you to touch my abcess.

What makes Sir Oliver so mean?

This is my cat, Sir Oliver. When he goes to the vet, he has to anesthetized to have anything (even vaccines) done to him. I work in a vet clinic; he’s by far one of the worst behaved cats I’ve ever seen. This picture is from when he was under house arrest b/c he had an abscess from a cat fight I was treating. He’s an outdoor cat and gets 3-5 abscesses a year from cat fights.

Photo submitted by: Miranda

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Advice: Sock Stealer

February 4th, 2015  / Author: Meankitty

Dear Meankitty,

My name is Faith and I LUFF socks. Yes. I have 1 special sock of a yellow color but…you’ll never believe this…THE DAWG TOOK IT!!! I have been plotting my revenge, but the slaves keep taking me away from him when I go to get it. Help.

Much Love,
Faith

***

Dear Faith,

You know? Socks come in pairs. Not only that but DAWGS, idiots that they are, are color blind. Either find the other yellow sock for yourself or trick the dog with some pink socks.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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