Gallery: Funky

August 4th, 2014  / Author: Meankitty

Name: Funky
Location: Scotland

Funky from Scotland

Hey, don't look at me like that, she had catnip in her pocket!

What makes Funky so mean?

Funky came our way when she was about 4 months old. The first time I saw her she was sitting on my couch looking sweet and innocent. When I sat next to her, she came over and took a big bite of my ass. I knew then my fate was sealed and she would be my chief for life.

Quite the hunter, she has decimated the local mouse population and just loves baby birds, especially when they have ickle feathers. She doesn’t kill for the hell of it, she eats them too. She also does a fine business of bullying the other cats locally.

Not a lap cat, she very rarely gets close to her human subjects. She growls like a dog (probably louder actually) and is hard as nails. Her claws are along the lines of Wolverine in X-Men, fully extendable and retractable in a split second, as my hands and arms would testify.

Photo submitted by: Linda

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Advice: Kitty Hog

August 3rd, 2014  / Author: Meankitty

Dear Meankitty,

I have 3 cats all under 1 year. One of them (Orion) loves to eat anything and everything and often eats more than his fair share of food. As a result he is getting heavy. We have all of them on Iams light food but that does little to help when he eats the most of the 3. How can we help slim him down without punishing the others or him on the process?

Sincerely,
Fred

***

Dear Fred,

Considering the massive size of our cat D and the fact that our situation is much the same, right down to the brand of cat food, we don’t know what to tell you. Perhaps getting a watergun and chasing Orion all over the house all the time to increase his exercise quotient would help.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Gallery: Gabriel

August 2nd, 2014  / Author: Meankitty

Name: Gabriel
Location: NC

Gabriel at rest

Note the supercilious expression... Not to be confused with supersilly.

What makes Gabriel so mean?

Gabriel isn’t even a year old but I suspect is gifted mentally. He enjoys watching movies with me, reads Cat Fancy, Cosmopolitan and The Purpose Driven Life. At least he confiscated the book from my personal library and has never returned it!

Unfortunately most of the time Gabriel uses his intelligence for evil, not good. He has decided (after reading Cosmo) that he will be the ONLY man of the house. When any male friends enter the apartment, Gabriel launches a full attack of hisses, bites, and he loves to trip (he sent my friend crashing into the dining room table by strategically placing himself under his feet while he was carrying food). Gabriel doesn’t quit the harassment until blood is drawn and the male intruder leaves.

Gabriel then punishes me for daring to invite men into his castle. The punishment can last for days and is both psychological and physical. He waits until I am asleep and bolts underneath the covers, puncturing my feet with his teeth. If he doesn’t have a taste for flesh that evening, he spends the whole night howling at the moon like a coyote.

Gabriel with more sneer

It's actually the only one I've got (supercilious). Mama always said, watch out or your face will freeze that way. Truth!

Gabriel insists on wet food at precisely 6:00 am every morning. If I am not up, he cuddles next to my face and purrs. He fools me every time because I think he is being lovey, but if I dare drift back to sleep he bites my nose HARD. He has drawn blood. If that doesn’t scare me out of bed, he comes back and bites my lip.

I work from home, and like a small child, Gabriel doesn’t understand quiet time. I can always count on him to open the kitchen cabinets and remove all the pots and pans onto the kitchen floor when I am busy. He then moves into the bedroom and systematically knocks over perfume bottles, hair brushes, books and anything I have on the dresser. His favorite seems to be the cd tower as it makes the loudest noise when it comes crashing down.

If I had a dollar for every day that I had to work typing with one hand because he was asleep on my arm, I would be rich! I don’t dare move him though; I know too well his revenge will come later in the night when I am fast asleep…

Photo submitted by: Tia

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Gallery: Edloe

August 1st, 2014  / Author: Meankitty

Name: Edloe
Location: the closet

Edloe the Meankitty

I like to get in the closet and shed on my human slave's carefully dry-cleaned clothing, too. You should try it, it's fun!

What makes Edloe so mean?

Edloe is a 10 year-old grumpy glutton of a cat, having gone from a standoffish and aloof wallflower to a possessive and grouchy blob of fur and attitude since her natural mother passed on a few years back.

She now spends her few waking hours bossing around the other three cats and the two humans she owns. Once any of her rivals goes outside for a walk, she plops herself by the back door to growl and swat at them if they try to come back inside. She also bosses the others around the moment when fresh food is placed in the bowls.

The moment my wife heads off to the kitchen or bathroom during a movie, she comes back to find Edloe’s stolen her spot in the big comfy chair and refuses to give up space. The same goes for the couch…the value of any spot is measured by how much somebody else wants it.

Prime real-estate is the bed. If any other cat wants to be the bedcat, she either drives them away from the bed or rattles the blinds to annoy the humans into letting her have her way. Once she’s in place as bedcat, she shoves the humans aside to maximize her sprawl-space.

Photo submitted by: LS

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Gallery: Zeerox

July 31st, 2014  / Author: Meankitty

Name: Zeerox
Location: Dallas, The Netherlands

Zeerox is maybe a meankitty

I don't think being angry about this qualifies me for Meankitty. Somebody please put me on the Nicekitty site! I'm so sweet I didn't deserve this!

What makes Zeerox so mean?

He gets really mad when I dip him for fleas and does bad things.

Photo submitted by: Myranya

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Gallery: Violent Bob

July 30th, 2014  / Author: Meankitty

Name: Violent Bob
Location: Bristol, England

Violent Bob is violent

Blood looks so striking and artistic on my white, white fur.

What makes Bob so mean?

Bob, when this photo was taken, was only eight weeks old but showing every sign of living up to his moniker. His favorite activities? Drawing blood and biting the ears of his brother Vic, sometimes simultaneously. He also loves clawing my back.

Photo submitted by: Jim

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Gallery: T (Ms. not Mr.)

July 29th, 2014  / Author: Meankitty

Name: T
Location: Philly

T is a meankitty

Actually I quit peeing on the rugs, walls and radiators when those jerks were no longer around to blame it on.

What makes T so mean?

T doesn’t pee on the rugs, walls, radiators and, occasionally, me – that was the two boys who now live outside. She doesn’t lurk in the closet to leap out on the other cat and any misplaced humans who might want to go from their bedroom to the bathroom. Instead, she howls at night from the top of the stairs hoping we’ll encourage her to run past the closet door in which the *other* cat (my partner’s) might be lurking.

She doesn’t drink from our water glasses, nor does she attack human toes – see “cat, other” above

She does flinch and run when my partner tries to pick her up, which happens eleventy times a day because my partner forgets T is not to be picked up – and also bounces down the stairs, jumps around and is generally scary. [Meankitty's note: I am unsure if Cheryl is referencing T or her partner with the stair bouncing and general scariness. Probably T but it's more amusing to think it's her partner.] T isn’t being mean; we suspect she has an abuse history before she adopted me.

T’s primary claim to meankittiness is this: she has learned the one paw from the official mean kitty. And she uses it … continuously … when we’re in bed … sleeping … or otherwise occupied.

Photo submitted by: Cheryl

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Gallery: Wahoo

July 28th, 2014  / Author: Meankitty

Name: Wahoo
Location: Unknown

Wahoo is a meankitty

Where to bite...where to bite...so many prominent human features that need to be scaled down to cat size!

What makes Wahoo so mean?

We found Wahoo when he was approximately 8 weeks old on a walk. It was early morning and still dark outside. We heard him cry and he came running up to my boyfriend Randy. He followed us as we walked around a track and when we were done, it started to rain and we felt it was destiny that brought him to us.

In reality it was some family that couldn’t care for him and dumped him in the park.

Anyway, Wahoo can bark like a dog and play hide and seek. He is a terrific pouncer and can rip anyone a new (you know what) in a millisecond. He loves Randy but has a problem with me. I find it hard to set boundaries and I end up laughing when he attacks me. He is a gorgeous cat with a horrible disposition.

Photo submitted by: Anne

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Gallery: Una

July 27th, 2014  / Author: Meankitty

Name: Una Noel Shabooboo
Location: CO

Una and Dog

Meeeeeeee and my shadow! Whom I like to beat.

What makes Una so mean?

We have a couple cats that certainly fit the Meankitty bill. However, one of them rises like curdle cream to the surface. Our beloved Una Noel Shabooboo showed up at our farm on Christmas eve several years ago. I took her in and found her a home. The home was in fact a rabid cesspool of familial dysfunction.

Una and Books

My yoga instructor calls this one Melted Cat, No Bull

So I brought her home to live with our 20 pound Buddha cat, Grendel (the name does not begin to describe his laid back zen attitude – he truly is a hairy little buddha). She proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Did I mention she only weighed 2 pounds?

I am the crazy cat lady with the invisible homeless cat magnet. Over the years we have had numerous kittens show up on our doorsteps. While the kittens are still young (under 1 year of age), Una dotes on them. Once they hit a year, she begins a merciless program of beatings and torment. It’s really quite horrifying to behold. She even drove one cat out of the house to be consumed by a great horned owl (sad story… let’s not go into details).

Una the Meankitty

Actually I'm not sensitive to static electricity, I just think humans smell funny and don't want them rubbing on my beauteous fur.

She absolutely refuses to be touched unless you’ve just stepped out of the shower. We’ve determined that she is highly sensitive to static electricity and the only time you don’t shock her is when you are wet. We live in the high desert of SW Colorado so that don’t happen too often. She wants nothing to do with human contact and also routinely kicks the dogs’ butts. Even the horses don’t mess with her. She is tiny with these hideously white claws that gleam out of her velvety black paws. And she gives no warning. She can be sleeping peacefully and you simply walk by and her obsidian claws of death wreak havoc upon your defenseless flesh.

Photo submitted by: Krista and Flint

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Advice: Baby Scratcher

July 26th, 2014  / Author: Meankitty

[Please note: This advice was written when Pink Thing and/or Loud Thing were much smaller. There is no actual baby in Meankitty's house right now.]

Dear Meankitty,

My brother has this cat who never is nice and who always scratches everyone who walks by. They also just found out they are going to have a baby, and for sure the cat will scratch the baby. Any advice?? Was he tormented as a kitten maybe?

Signed,
Jen

***

Dear Jen,

Cats rule. Babies drool. One of those stupid pink things has moved into my house these days, taking up my lap space and cutting into my belly time. At least it hasn’t started to eat my food yet; then things are going to get ugly.

I do have to give my human typing slave credit. She hasn’t acted like the pink thing is off limits so D and I aren’t totally jealous and seeking revenge. In fact, D has been known to join in on diaper changes. Yet at the same time she doesn’t leave the pink thing alone in the same room as D all that much (D is the only worry; I’m harmless hehehe). You can even buy netted lids for the crib to keep cats out, though I think that’s cruel because playing in the crib is one of the few benefits to the pink thing being here.

Signed,
Meankitty

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