Archive for the ‘Letters’ Category

Letters: Not Like Tom

Thursday, November 25th, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

I’m not like the other tomcats! I’m not afraid of commitment. Look at how long I’ve been endorsing that cat food brand, 9 Lives. Talk about staying power. And my vast experience with the canned food industry has given me very sophisticated tastes. Honey, I could really wine and dine a sweet little thing like you.

So anyway, what do you say? And, um, hey. If Tom happens to drop by your window, don’t tell him I asked you out, okay?

Sincerely,
Morris

***

Dear Morris,

You expect me to believe you’re THAT Morris? Come on. Get real.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Share

Letters: How YOU Doin?

Monday, November 15th, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

Hi, it’s Morris again. You know, Morris, Tom’s friend? Well, I just wanted you to know we aren’t friends any more. We’ve had a falling out. I mean, the guy criticized my tail, man. You just don’t do that to a cat who’s supposed to be a buddy.

Anyway, I was just wondering if maybe you’d like to go for a drink of milk sometime? Since you don’t want anything to do with Tom, you’re single, right?

Signed,
Your Fan Morris

***

Dear Morris,

I’m single, sleek, sexy and spayed! But then, that’s how you roving tomcats like ’em, isn’t it? No commitment, no kittens, no tuna sharing. No thanks!

Signed,
Meankitty

Share

Letters: Good Job!

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

Jody & Meankitty,

I just took a look at your website and enjoyed it. Love your Mean Kitty blog.

Ciao,
Rita at stayathometraveler.com

***
Dear Rita,
Cats do prefer travelers who travel with their brains instead of their bodies, especially if the travel involves sitting in one place for a long time with an accessible lap. Should a lap be desired. Somehow, though, we don’t think that’s quite what you’re talking about 🙂
Sincerely,
Meankitty & Typing Slave
Share

Letters: Your Updates Don’t Suck

Saturday, October 23rd, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

My typing slave is overjoyed at seeing my evil mug on your web site. Thank you.

Signed,
Merle

PS- Two new cats just moved in with me. I’ve been holding them hostage in the bedroom for three weeks now. When do you think it’s appropriate for me to let them out?

***

Dear Merle,

You’re welcome.

And also: if you let them out, are they going to eat your food or will your slave overcompensate from the shared dish situation and give you all three more food than you technically need? Because hey, more food!

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Share

Letters: Eternal Why

Thursday, October 14th, 2010

To whom it may concern:

I know you all love your cats just as much as I love mine but if your cat is so mean why do you keep them? I’m not trying to be mean but I wouldn’t want a cat that is so mean. Is there a reason that they are so mean all the time?

Sincerely,
Denise H.

***

Dear Denise H.,

Do any meankitty slaves even know where to begin to explain about pet owner responsibility and finishing what you start to this obviously deficient human slave?

Ok, I’m going to stop answering advice for a while before I actually say something that isn’t in jest.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Share

Letter: The Wingman

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

My name is not Tom, it is Morris, no relation to the Morris on your site. I just wanted you to know I think Tom is a really great feline and you should give him a chance. I am not one of his littermates, either. He knows how to really treat the ladycats right. He will lick your ears and face in a loving way and always give you the first choice of tuna bits.

Signed,
Morris

***

Dear Morris,

Where is the box for me to check “Yes” or “No”? Actually I only need the “No” box.

Signed,
Meankitty

Share

Letters: No Means NO

Friday, October 8th, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

I see I shall have to take a more aggressive stance since you are playing hard to get. I shall run away from my dear human slaves and join a feral cat band. Give up my sheepskin window hammock, my four level cat tree, my porcelain water and food bowls, my hooded cat box. Or else I’ll be a kitty hermit and travel the world until I sniff my way to your door. There I will meow piteously in my winsome way until your slaves take me in.

And then, then, my love, we shall be together. I will sleep by your side every night and you will see the love I bear for you is true.

Sincerely,
Tom

***

Dear Tom,

You come in my yard, I kick your butt. Then D kicks your butt. Then I kick it again. Then the humans kicks it. Okay, my humans don’t really kick cats, but the small things will run screeching after you like miniature banshees. I have them trained.

Signed,
Meankitty

Share

Letters: HI, I AM SPAM

Sunday, October 3rd, 2010

Dear You,

Hi, I am Spam. Spam I am. Do you like my crammy spam?

Sincerely,
Dr. Spam

***

Dear Dr. Spam,

I do not like your crammy spam. I do not like it in my comments, I do not like it in my inbox. I do not like it here or there, I do not like it anywhere. That hammy spam, that slammy spam, I do not like that crammy spam. You suck dog food.

Sincerely,

Meankitty

PS: Please quit asking why I didn’t post your comment and adding that all the other comments on this site are crap. Why does WP get SO MUCH MORE spam than other blogger programs I’ve used? Seriously. While we do have Askimet catching all the spam, it’s still a pile of dog vomit.

PPS: All the spam made me so mad I pooped in the floor last night. Now Food Slave hates you too.

Share

Letters: While They Were Out

Friday, October 1st, 2010

Dear Meankitty:

Did you and D enjoy yourself when your humans were away? What do you like to do for fun when alone?

Sincerely,
J-Fan

***

Dear J-Fan,

We did enjoy ourselves immensely when our primary human staff went to Yellowstone, but we certainly weren’t alone. They assigned Nanny Slave the task of caring for us and the small humans, which is what made the week so exciting and special for us.

For starters, Nanny Slave is a LOT more fun to harass than Food Slave and Typing Slave. She is so much more reactionary and inclined to use naughty human words, which the small things then repeat. It’s a simple matter to get under her skin and she also bruises easier when she trips and falls. She can only take about 10 seconds of the ONE PAW before she’s trying to chase us around, and because she sleeps lightly, a couple strategic meowls in the dark will jolt her right out of a sound sleep. It’s like taking candy from a stupid dog and batting it under the couch! Good times, good times.

Our favorite thing to do while Nanny Slave was “in charge” was keep the small things up too late meowing and carrying on so they would be all cranky and ill-behaved the next day. We also got mileage out of the piercing stare, the chase of the invisible bug, the sproing from under the bed and the favorite small toy of the child knocked under the couch maneuvers.

Here is a picture the slaves took in the Tetons, just to brighten things up. The gnome apparently accompanied them on the trip. I was not at all jealous because I hate cars.

Gnome in Tetons

Who's bigger, the gnome or the mountain?

Sincerely,

Meankitty & Big D

Share

Letters: Manxified

Thursday, September 23rd, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

Why must you tempt and torture me so? I gaze at your picture on the website every day, longing to meet you in person. I know you’re thinking of me as you look into the camera with those vivid yellow eyes. I just love me a yellow eyed woman. How about I get my typing slave to drive me to your house?

Signed,
Tom

***

Dear Tom,

How about you get your typing slave to drive over your tail? Oh, wait, you’re probably one of those cats with really stubby tails…a Manx. And you know what they say about cats with short tails.

Signed,
Meankitty

Share