Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

Advice: How Many Kitties?

Saturday, June 13th, 2015

Dear Meankitty,

In your omnipotent feline wisdom, I am hoping you can help me solve a mystery. I am just a simple pink kitty slave who used to be owned by one meankitty named Elvis. Pretty soon I was owned by three meankitties. Now I am owned by five meankitties, and I think they are planning to move another one in next month.

What exactly are these cats doing to me while I sleep that makes me continue to enslave myself to more and more of them? When will this end? Will this end? Are kitties highly skilled at slave hypnotism?

Signed,
PinkieSlave

***

Dear Pinkie,

They’ll top out at 5 or 6. They won’t want to share their food, their catboxes, and their petting time that much unless you live on a farm or something.

As for admitting what the cats do when you’re sleeping, my vow as a member of SOHC prevents me from revealing that information.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Advice: Garage Inhabitants

Monday, June 1st, 2015

Dear MK,

I have encountered a problem with a kitty. It seems a female cat and her young have decided to settle in my garage. They are slowly taking it over. Now my garage smells and I get hissed at every time I go to the car. Is there some kind of cat repellent or some way to hint to these trespassing cats that my garage is not a good place to stay?

Signed,
Finicky

***

Dear Finicky,

Sounds like you’ve got some new cats to love, obey, and cherish! They are hissing at you because they want food, a cat pan, and trips to the vet in short order. The ones of proper age want to get fixed. Well, they don’t really WANT to get fixed, but if you don’t get them fixed they’ll make more and more and more cats until you live at stinky feral cat house, and doing bad things to them when you could just as easily take care of them is unacceptable.

Can’t take care of them? Then you’ll have to trap them and take them to the closest no-kill shelter.

Sincerely,
MK

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Advice: Wretched Little Rats

Saturday, May 23rd, 2015

Dear Meankitty:

My human just brought home this wretched little feline to share my space. His name is Sam, apparently, but I think of him as “the crapper.” He follows me around and makes these stupid chirping noises when he runs. He is a total runt and probably weighs less than my tail. I know I could just rip his little black head off, but I worry about the stain that might make on my pristine white fur. Can you suggest a neater, tidier way to get rid of the menace?

Sincerely,
Meankitty Nala

***

Dear Friend Nala,

It’s going to take some work on your part, but we recommend you master the art of the sliding glass door. The slaves will forget to lock it one day — use the SOHC hypnotism technique on page 56 of the manual if you must — and you can slide it open and shove the Crapper out it. Then he will run away, because he sounds like the type, and you will have your human to yourself again. I am very sympathetic to your plight, as at the time I am answering this email we have 4 crappy rats upstairs and all my plots to rid myself of them and their stinking mother have failed. So far.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

[[Note: this historically significant and yet accurate advice was written during Meankitty’s trial of Kittenwatch, documented on the archive site. There are not currently any kittens OR rats in the Meankitty household.]]

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Advice: Litterbox Misery

Tuesday, April 7th, 2015

Dear Meankitty,

My cat won’t go in the box, my cat won’t go in the box, my cat won’t go in the box, my cat whizzes in the clothes, my cat poops in the living room! What will I do?

Sincerely,
Ten Thousand Slaves

***

Dear Slaves,

I get this question more often than any other. Any. Other. I have answered it several times, in several variations, but no more! At least, no more until I feel like answering it again. Or think of something new that is bound to be entirely useless for actual cat behavioral issues, which you may or may not have noticed, I don’t often “do”. Anyway, if you asked me this anytime over, oh, I dunno, the past freakin’ year, this is your response.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Advice: Hidden Assets

Sunday, March 1st, 2015

Dear Meankitty,

I have a new kitten (about 10wks old) we are keeping in our spare bathroom so he has space to play yet not the run of the house yet. As expected he is scared and has managed to crawl under a cabinet and only comes out to eat when no one is around. The good part is that he can get in or out as he needs, but runs back under at the first sight of us or noise. We are worried he will not bond to us. I assume it’s best to let him come out and stay out on his own rather then forcefully pull him out. Any suggestions for coaxing him out?

Regards,
Hidden kitty

***

Dear Hider,

Get the kitty a cardboard box with a kitty sized hole for him to hide in and block off the egress to the cabinet. Then at least you can get him out more easily should you need to. Also you could cut a few stick-sized holes in the kitty box to “play” with kitty through using feathers or sticks or strings. And toss some of your dirty human clothes in the bathroom floor to get the kitten used to your scent. Or just give him a more interesting place to go potty!

Sincerely,
Meankitty & her Typing Slave

***

Dear Meankitty,

Worked great! Now the kitty is out and playing with the others.

Sincerely,
The Slaves

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Advice: Sock Stealer

Wednesday, February 4th, 2015

Dear Meankitty,

My name is Faith and I LUFF socks. Yes. I have 1 special sock of a yellow color but…you’ll never believe this…THE DAWG TOOK IT!!! I have been plotting my revenge, but the slaves keep taking me away from him when I go to get it. Help.

Much Love,
Faith

***

Dear Faith,

You know? Socks come in pairs. Not only that but DAWGS, idiots that they are, are color blind. Either find the other yellow sock for yourself or trick the dog with some pink socks.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Advice: When To Feed

Thursday, January 15th, 2015

Dear Meankitty,

Kirby is a 1 year old neutered male. He lures me to his food dish where he purrs like a maniac and loves me to pet him while he eats (only me). Yet, when I pet him, he becomes aggressive and will start to bite. He bites my ankles, my wrists, my arms or wherever he can sink his teeth. If he wants me at his food dish, and I cannot go, he will start to chase me until I do. He wants his way and he wants it now, doesn’t matter if I’m trying to get ready for work or if I will be late. Any advice?

Signed,
Ksandrini

***

Dear Ksandrini,

Hurry up and feed that poor, starving cat! Ha!

Signed,
Meankitty

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Advice: Biter

Thursday, November 6th, 2014

Dear Meankitty,

I love your website! I thought we were the only ones with a mean kitty! I will send photo/information about her soon. Can you tell me what to do to keep her from biting? We have tried everything from spraying her with a water bottle to actually biting her back!

Signed,
Diane

***

Dear Diane,

Biting, schmiting. You could try rubbing tobasco sauce or minced garlic all over and maybe your kitty won’t like the taste. Of course, you might not like it either, but your comfort isn’t a real goal here.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Advice: How To Be So Mean

Sunday, August 10th, 2014

Dear Meankitty,

I have been reading all your advice and I think you are one pretty special kitten. I wish my humans were as well trained as yours. I really admire you! How do you do it?

Signed,
Tom

***

Dear Tom,

Tip #21 on training your human: mean mostly, sweet sometimes and never let them see you plot. Work that one a little harder and soon you’ll be eating tuna right out of their hands.

Signed,
Meankitty

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Advice: Kitty Hog

Sunday, August 3rd, 2014

Dear Meankitty,

I have 3 cats all under 1 year. One of them (Orion) loves to eat anything and everything and often eats more than his fair share of food. As a result he is getting heavy. We have all of them on Iams light food but that does little to help when he eats the most of the 3. How can we help slim him down without punishing the others or him on the process?

Sincerely,
Fred

***

Dear Fred,

Considering the massive size of our cat D and the fact that our situation is much the same, right down to the brand of cat food, we don’t know what to tell you. Perhaps getting a watergun and chasing Orion all over the house all the time to increase his exercise quotient would help.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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