Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

Advice: Arm Attacker

Friday, March 28th, 2014

Dear Meankitty,

Is there a reason why my cat chooses to attack my arm or face while I am sleeping? I won’t be moving and all of a sudden she jumps on the bed and attacks my arm and face and I wind up with bad punctures on my arms, thankfully not on my face. Then she just runs under the bed. Other than this, she’s a good cat…but it seems to happen once every few days and I’m scared she will try this on the upcoming baby! What do I do?

Signed,
Gelibeanr

***

Dear Gelibeanr,

It’s because you’re a sitting duck and duck tastes gooooood. Mmmm, duck.

Sincerely,
MK

PS: No advice on how to integrate cats & babies until the twain actually meet. Big D and I are exceptionally well-mannered with the small slaves. The food/door opening slave is usually subject to much more “loving attention” than a baby.

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Advice: Bathtub Party

Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

Dear Meankitty,

My cat won’t quit playing in the bathtub. I don’t know why she’s doing it. She just gets in there and races around in circles. Sometimes she attacks the shower curtain and has made several holes. Is she crazy?

Signed,
Hairballs in the Soapdish

***

Dear Hairballs,

Ah, another upstanding SOHC member! Your cat is merely fulfilling the requirement of one act per day her human does not understand. You can try to persuade your kitty to do something else to keep her membership active, but really, isn’t the bathtub thing pretty innocuous? If you truly can’t stand it, your kitty can be convinced to choose another daily puzzler by following these simple steps:

Step one: Fill tub with water
Step two: Listen for the splash

However, don’t come whining to me when you wake up one night and Miss Thang has peed all over your antique quilt.

Signed,
Meankitty

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Advice: Flea Infestation

Sunday, December 29th, 2013

Dear Meankitty,

My human’s house is infested with fleas, and they are driving me crazy! I can hardly sleep for being bitten, and since there is only one of me, the fleas are even biting the humans. How can my human make the fleas go away? I’d go buy myself some Advantage One Spot, but the last time I tried to use the credit card, it was a disaster.

Signed,
Itchy & Scratchy

***

Dear Itchy,

I personally have always had a human who took care of that whole flea thing before it became an annoyance (except for one episode when she had a roommate who owned DOGS, of all hideous things), but here are a few words of advice from a fellow reader of the site:

“Nick and his dad lived in an upstairs apartment in California with a stray cat they had taken in. Big Leon was an indoor cat but nevertheless fleas began turning up on him and also in the carpet. Little by little, these insects from hell, some of the most aggravating pests on earth, began taking over the household. FLEAS WERE EATING LEON AND NICK ALIVE (although, strangely, they left Dad alone…) The fleas invaded Nick’s room, the living room, the whole house.

Anyhow, Big Leon was being eaten, Nick was being tortured and even attempted moving out of his room for a while to sleep on the couch in long pants and socks. Flea powders were useless. Nick even rubbed garlic, yes garlic, mixed with water on his body before he went to bed at night. The long pants, the socks and the garlic did not work. Additionally, the bites hurt at times, making Nick a little ill one occasion, not to mention Big Leon, who is the one that really matters (hey, this is the MeanKITTY site!)

Finally, Nick bought a spray for Leon’s bed and the carpet, donned a protective mask, put Leon on the balcony, and sprayed EVERYWHERE. The fleas did not go away instantly, but after a few days it was better. Keep in mind that this poison was not sprayed on Big Leon, but the fleas on him eventually jumped off and died when they got into the carpet. Flea home spray is the way to go.”

Signed,
Nick and Big Leon via Meankitty

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Advice: Bell the Cat

Sunday, September 29th, 2013

Dear Meankitties et al,

As I was browsing though the stories and pictures of the meankitties, I noticed a few of the owners complaining that their meankitties have eaten so many birds, mice, etc. May I suggest a bell on the collar? There are many different kinds of collars available today, and you should have an ID on your kitty if they go outside. Not only will the bell help the little critters have a chance to escape kitty-mauling, but cats can pick up parasites and diseases from eating birds and mice.

Sincerely,
Arlene C., Tampa, Fl.

***

Dear Arlene,

First, instead of owners, don’t you mean staff? We kitties are the only owners in this equation. Second, I hate my bell. I loathe my bell. It totally prevents me from creep attacks in the dark midnight hours. I often rub the break-away collar off on various protruding pieces of furniture, but my typing slave always puts it back on. So what if the red ladybugs on the white collar look so fetching against my silky black and grey fur?

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Advice: Staying in the SOHC

Tuesday, March 19th, 2013

Dear Meankitty,

Help, I’m going to be expelled from Society of House Cats! It’s not my fault, I can’t help it. Every time I get near my petting slaves, they scratch my ears and I start purring, LOUD. I try be aloof and make them miserable. I try to give them death stares. I demand my water be changed every hour on the hour. It does no good when I’m purring like a motor boat. I can’t help it. I love the scratchin’. It’s so embarrassing. Oh please help me!

Signed,
Peanut

***

Dear Peanut,

You might as well face it, you’re addicted to love.

If you can’t shake your addiction and want to remain in the SOHC, we suggest learning to bite and purr at the same time. It’s a high level skill, but some cats have mastered it. Don’t give up! And don’t forget that drooling with pleasure is also mean to humans, as is attacking them all the time in order to force them to sustain your addiction. This is particularly good to do between the hours of midnight and six a.m. or whenever they have guests over they want to impress.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Advice: Pan Scratcher

Monday, February 25th, 2013

Dear Meankitty,

My mean cat has decided that she sometimes does not like the newspapers spread around her cat pan to catch litter. She scratches and bites and rolls and tears at the papers every day at 4 a.m. At 10 a.m., she does not mind the papers, nor are they a problem at 6 p.m. What is going on here?

Sincerely,
Furious at 4 a.m.

***

Dear Furious at 4 a.m.,

Apparently you are ignorant of the national organization, SOHC (Society of House Cats), which states that members must, among other things, do something noisy at least once while their human is sleeping. As all house cats strive to be in this highly reputable society, I doubt yours is going to leave off just because you don’t like it — to do so would be to forfeit membership. Learn to sleep through it.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Gallery: Finnigan

Sunday, January 29th, 2012

Name: Finnigan
Location: Pittsburgh, PA

Finnigan is a meankitty

I'm a thorough kitty cat. I leave no catnip mouse unturned and no hand unscratched.

What makes Finnigan so mean?

[[Today's post is a combo Gallery / Advice]]

Why does Finnigan bite so much?

My kitten Finnigan attacks any hand that he can get his paws on. He is 3 months old, though I’ve only had him for 2 months. When I first got him, I thought he was biting because he was teething, but he continues to bite and scratch. I know he’s only playing, but it still really hurts. Nobody can pet him without him attacking. My hands are unrecognizable and scarred. I’m afraid he is going to grow up to be a meankitty.

Submitted by: Shelby

***

Dear Shelby,

If Finnigan grows up to be a meankitty, it means you’ve done something right! Also, I hear tell humans find scars “interesting” so don’t worry about the hands.

Sincerely,
MK

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Advice: Hoggy Cat

Saturday, January 21st, 2012

Dear Meankitty,

Jojo is mean to Hoho and eats all of his food. I am worried that Hoho isn’t getting the proper nutrition. Should I shut Jojo in a room whenever I feed Hoho?

Signed,
Eat No Fat and Eat No Lean

***

Dear Eats,

Yes.

Signed,
Meankitty

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Advice: Uncovered Poo

Saturday, January 21st, 2012

Dear Meankitty,

My kitten is five months old and whenever he uses the litter box, he does not cover up his poop. He simply scratches around the sides of the litter box leaving the poop completely exposed. Then he just walks out. What is wrong with my kitten and how can I help him?

Sincerely,
Frustrated Owner

***

Dear FO,

Nothing is wrong with your kitten! He thinks his poo smells like roses and wants to share it with you.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Advice: Wee Hours Ruckus

Friday, September 30th, 2011

Dear Meankitty,

I think my cat has got it in for me. Lately she’s been going on a 4:30 am howling spree. Along with her eerie yowls, she alternates between running amuck across the bed, scratching the metal garbage can, hopping across the headboard, scrabbling under the bed like a crazed, rabid skunk, and bounding across the living room to meow at our kids’ door, threatening to wake them from their much-needed slumber (we have a small house). If we try to shut her out of any rooms, she claws that door All. Night. Long.

The other night, she added injury to insult. The headboard on our bed is a bookcase. I like to keep a sport bottle of water within reach on it; I long ago learned the water container had to be lidded. Anyway, Meankitty, I mean, the cat who owns me was skipping and pronging on the headboard while howling, like she does. I rolled over and tried to pretend the noise wasn’t happening only to be klonked in the head with a heavy sport bottle of water which then opened itself (!!!) and splashed all over me, my expensive pillow, my sheets and blankets, my mattress and into the floor, where it flooded the power strip.

Meankitty, can you tell me WHY this cat behaves this way? Was she trying to electrocute me or is she just trying to exhaust me so I’ll wreck my car and be forced to stay home with a broken leg in traction? Doesn’t she realize I can’t get her food if I’m in traction?

Sincerely,

Nobody You Know

***

Dear Nobody,

Good try, Typing Slave, good try. I warned you if you found out about that thing, I’d have to kill you, didn’t I? This is what you get for being so darn pokey.

Sincerely,

Meankitty

PS Good luck tonight. Heh, heh, heh.

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