Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

Advice: Baby Scratcher

Saturday, July 26th, 2014

[Please note: This advice was written when Pink Thing and/or Loud Thing were much smaller. There is no actual baby in Meankitty's house right now.]

Dear Meankitty,

My brother has this cat who never is nice and who always scratches everyone who walks by. They also just found out they are going to have a baby, and for sure the cat will scratch the baby. Any advice?? Was he tormented as a kitten maybe?

Signed,
Jen

***

Dear Jen,

Cats rule. Babies drool. One of those stupid pink things has moved into my house these days, taking up my lap space and cutting into my belly time. At least it hasn’t started to eat my food yet; then things are going to get ugly.

I do have to give my human typing slave credit. She hasn’t acted like the pink thing is off limits so D and I aren’t totally jealous and seeking revenge. In fact, D has been known to join in on diaper changes. Yet at the same time she doesn’t leave the pink thing alone in the same room as D all that much (D is the only worry; I’m harmless hehehe). You can even buy netted lids for the crib to keep cats out, though I think that’s cruel because playing in the crib is one of the few benefits to the pink thing being here.

Signed,
Meankitty

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Advice: Places to Puke

Saturday, July 26th, 2014

Dear Meankitty,

Have you ever thrown up on a tile floor, covered it with a piece of newspaper and watched as your slaves slip and fall? Do it in the early in the morning before your slave gets the hot brown stink water and position it so he has to step on it to get to the light switch. After he slips–run! Go in the bathroom, stretch out on the towels you pulled down from the rack and look innocent. Good fun!

Signed,
Teevors, ZsaZsa, Chee, the Lady Di and Jake

***

Dear Manycats,

Sounds like you could be writing advice on this site! Those of you who are visiting here looking for SOHC tips to annoy your humans, that’s a good one.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Advice: Cat Fur Physics

Friday, July 25th, 2014

Dear Meankitty,

Please explain the physics behind cat fur and why it doesn’t making sitting in sun spots and other warm areas uncomfortable.

Sincerely,
A Smart Alec Human That Is Trying to Stump You

***

Dear Stump,

Dude, I’m not allowed to tell you that! Don’t you know anything about the SOHC?

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Advice: Cat Thrones

Thursday, July 24th, 2014

Dear Meankitty,

I am going to make my kitty a proper throne (cat bed) because my own bed is not worthy. What do you think is the best fabric to make it from? Should it be velvet of faux fur? Or something even better?

Rao,
Crafty Slave

***

Dear Crafty,

It all depends. What color is your cat? Choose a contrasting fabric so the hair will show up better. Fuzzy fabrics are also greatly appreciated, like the fuzzy blanket D likes to, um, “embrace” whenever he can’t get his paws on me. Yeah, I know, he’s supposed to be fixed, but I’m so sleek and cute I think I reinvigorate the most snipped of toms. At least, that’s been my experience. But back to this throne. Contrasting fuzzy fabric. Right.

Also, if you’re making a kitty throne because you want the kitty off your bed, it won’t work. Beds is beds.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Advice: Arm Attacker

Friday, March 28th, 2014

Dear Meankitty,

Is there a reason why my cat chooses to attack my arm or face while I am sleeping? I won’t be moving and all of a sudden she jumps on the bed and attacks my arm and face and I wind up with bad punctures on my arms, thankfully not on my face. Then she just runs under the bed. Other than this, she’s a good cat…but it seems to happen once every few days and I’m scared she will try this on the upcoming baby! What do I do?

Signed,
Gelibeanr

***

Dear Gelibeanr,

It’s because you’re a sitting duck and duck tastes gooooood. Mmmm, duck.

Sincerely,
MK

PS: No advice on how to integrate cats & babies until the twain actually meet. Big D and I are exceptionally well-mannered with the small slaves. The food/door opening slave is usually subject to much more “loving attention” than a baby.

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Advice: Bathtub Party

Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

Dear Meankitty,

My cat won’t quit playing in the bathtub. I don’t know why she’s doing it. She just gets in there and races around in circles. Sometimes she attacks the shower curtain and has made several holes. Is she crazy?

Signed,
Hairballs in the Soapdish

***

Dear Hairballs,

Ah, another upstanding SOHC member! Your cat is merely fulfilling the requirement of one act per day her human does not understand. You can try to persuade your kitty to do something else to keep her membership active, but really, isn’t the bathtub thing pretty innocuous? If you truly can’t stand it, your kitty can be convinced to choose another daily puzzler by following these simple steps:

Step one: Fill tub with water
Step two: Listen for the splash

However, don’t come whining to me when you wake up one night and Miss Thang has peed all over your antique quilt.

Signed,
Meankitty

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Advice: Flea Infestation

Sunday, December 29th, 2013

Dear Meankitty,

My human’s house is infested with fleas, and they are driving me crazy! I can hardly sleep for being bitten, and since there is only one of me, the fleas are even biting the humans. How can my human make the fleas go away? I’d go buy myself some Advantage One Spot, but the last time I tried to use the credit card, it was a disaster.

Signed,
Itchy & Scratchy

***

Dear Itchy,

I personally have always had a human who took care of that whole flea thing before it became an annoyance (except for one episode when she had a roommate who owned DOGS, of all hideous things), but here are a few words of advice from a fellow reader of the site:

“Nick and his dad lived in an upstairs apartment in California with a stray cat they had taken in. Big Leon was an indoor cat but nevertheless fleas began turning up on him and also in the carpet. Little by little, these insects from hell, some of the most aggravating pests on earth, began taking over the household. FLEAS WERE EATING LEON AND NICK ALIVE (although, strangely, they left Dad alone…) The fleas invaded Nick’s room, the living room, the whole house.

Anyhow, Big Leon was being eaten, Nick was being tortured and even attempted moving out of his room for a while to sleep on the couch in long pants and socks. Flea powders were useless. Nick even rubbed garlic, yes garlic, mixed with water on his body before he went to bed at night. The long pants, the socks and the garlic did not work. Additionally, the bites hurt at times, making Nick a little ill one occasion, not to mention Big Leon, who is the one that really matters (hey, this is the MeanKITTY site!)

Finally, Nick bought a spray for Leon’s bed and the carpet, donned a protective mask, put Leon on the balcony, and sprayed EVERYWHERE. The fleas did not go away instantly, but after a few days it was better. Keep in mind that this poison was not sprayed on Big Leon, but the fleas on him eventually jumped off and died when they got into the carpet. Flea home spray is the way to go.”

Signed,
Nick and Big Leon via Meankitty

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Advice: Bell the Cat

Sunday, September 29th, 2013

Dear Meankitties et al,

As I was browsing though the stories and pictures of the meankitties, I noticed a few of the owners complaining that their meankitties have eaten so many birds, mice, etc. May I suggest a bell on the collar? There are many different kinds of collars available today, and you should have an ID on your kitty if they go outside. Not only will the bell help the little critters have a chance to escape kitty-mauling, but cats can pick up parasites and diseases from eating birds and mice.

Sincerely,
Arlene C., Tampa, Fl.

***

Dear Arlene,

First, instead of owners, don’t you mean staff? We kitties are the only owners in this equation. Second, I hate my bell. I loathe my bell. It totally prevents me from creep attacks in the dark midnight hours. I often rub the break-away collar off on various protruding pieces of furniture, but my typing slave always puts it back on. So what if the red ladybugs on the white collar look so fetching against my silky black and grey fur?

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Advice: Staying in the SOHC

Tuesday, March 19th, 2013

Dear Meankitty,

Help, I’m going to be expelled from Society of House Cats! It’s not my fault, I can’t help it. Every time I get near my petting slaves, they scratch my ears and I start purring, LOUD. I try be aloof and make them miserable. I try to give them death stares. I demand my water be changed every hour on the hour. It does no good when I’m purring like a motor boat. I can’t help it. I love the scratchin’. It’s so embarrassing. Oh please help me!

Signed,
Peanut

***

Dear Peanut,

You might as well face it, you’re addicted to love.

If you can’t shake your addiction and want to remain in the SOHC, we suggest learning to bite and purr at the same time. It’s a high level skill, but some cats have mastered it. Don’t give up! And don’t forget that drooling with pleasure is also mean to humans, as is attacking them all the time in order to force them to sustain your addiction. This is particularly good to do between the hours of midnight and six a.m. or whenever they have guests over they want to impress.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Advice: Pan Scratcher

Monday, February 25th, 2013

Dear Meankitty,

My mean cat has decided that she sometimes does not like the newspapers spread around her cat pan to catch litter. She scratches and bites and rolls and tears at the papers every day at 4 a.m. At 10 a.m., she does not mind the papers, nor are they a problem at 6 p.m. What is going on here?

Sincerely,
Furious at 4 a.m.

***

Dear Furious at 4 a.m.,

Apparently you are ignorant of the national organization, SOHC (Society of House Cats), which states that members must, among other things, do something noisy at least once while their human is sleeping. As all house cats strive to be in this highly reputable society, I doubt yours is going to leave off just because you don’t like it — to do so would be to forfeit membership. Learn to sleep through it.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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