Archive for September, 2011

Advice: Wee Hours Ruckus

Friday, September 30th, 2011

Dear Meankitty,

I think my cat has got it in for me. Lately she’s been going on a 4:30 am howling spree. Along with her eerie yowls, she alternates between running amuck across the bed, scratching the metal garbage can, hopping across the headboard, scrabbling under the bed like a crazed, rabid skunk, and bounding across the living room to meow at our kids’ door, threatening to wake them from their much-needed slumber (we have a small house). If we try to shut her out of any rooms, she claws that door All. Night. Long.

The other night, she added injury to insult. The headboard on our bed is a bookcase. I like to keep a sport bottle of water within reach on it; I long ago learned the water container had to be lidded. Anyway, Meankitty, I mean, the cat who owns me was skipping and pronging on the headboard while howling, like she does. I rolled over and tried to pretend the noise wasn’t happening only to be klonked in the head with a heavy sport bottle of water which then opened itself (!!!) and splashed all over me, my expensive pillow, my sheets and blankets, my mattress and into the floor, where it flooded the power strip.

Meankitty, can you tell me WHY this cat behaves this way? Was she trying to electrocute me or is she just trying to exhaust me so I’ll wreck my car and be forced to stay home with a broken leg in traction? Doesn’t she realize I can’t get her food if I’m in traction?

Sincerely,

Nobody You Know

***

Dear Nobody,

Good try, Typing Slave, good try. I warned you if you found out about that thing, I’d have to kill you, didn’t I? This is what you get for being so darn pokey.

Sincerely,

Meankitty

PS Good luck tonight. Heh, heh, heh.

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Advice: 24/7 Hateration Help

Wednesday, September 28th, 2011

Dear Meankitty,

My cat is a complete B*TCH. She’s super adorable, but literally all she thinks about is attacking the other two kitties in my house: a 10 year old Himalayan and a 5 year old…well…fatty. She spends 24 hours a day, 7 days a week stalking the other kitties.

Lately she’s found much sneakier ways to stalk them so it looks like she’s being cute (for example, hiding under the blankets then popping out for an ambush). I have to constantly keep her locked up to get any peace and quiet, but that doesn’t work for long because she rubs her paws on the door and bangs it back and forth!! Help before I ***note edited for unworshipful content***

Signed,

Feelin’ Homicidal

***

Dear FH,

Your stalkery kitty is obviously in need of more stimulation that you are providing for her. She needs interjections! Excitement! Emotion! Hallelujah! Stuff like that. Some methods to reduce kitty boredom might include:

  • Purchasing mice from a pet store and releasing them in batches for Kitty’s enjoyment and funzies
  • Adding a smallish dog to your home so that Kitty will transfer her hateration to the dog instead of her feline cohorts. Nobody cares if dogs get beaten up by cats.
  • Installing a catnip dispenser that you then keep full of catnip. It might not help, but hey, catnip!
  • Shutting the other cats up instead of Kitty when you need a brief respite.
  • Sending the other cats to the Fight Club to get more training in feline combat tactics.

Would any of our visitors care to add some suggestions?

Sincerely,

Meankitty

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Gallery: King James

Tuesday, September 27th, 2011

Name: King James
Location: Unknown

King James was a meankitty

I command you to scratch the royal fluffy belly. Then I command you to hold still while I bite you for scratching the royal fluffy belly.

What makes King James so mean?

His highness came to live with us (me and my sister) after someone else declawed his royal paws! The world would pay for the injury!

King James hated his slaves’ boyfriends and would poop in the men’s shoes. He knew what shoes belonged to whom and pooped accordingly.

He once woke me from a sound sleep by punching me in the face. He had been perched above me watching me sleep and I moved before he said it was okay, so I suffered the consequences. If a dog came too close to him, wham, he’d punch them right between the eyes. With no claws, he developed a really mean right hook.

Other coping methods – he would roll on his back and pretend to want your love and affection. As soon as you put your hands out to pet his ever so soft luxuriousness, he’d bite.

While fighting a pretender to the crown (neighborhood cat) KJ and the other cat fell into the royal swimming pool. Humiliated, King James walked up the steps to the royal bedchamber, resisted all advances to aid him, and rolled all over the blanket, soaking it, before licking himself dry with his royal scratchy tongue.

King James was a meankitty.

The sweater shelf isn't throney enough. Place me somewhere higher and more regal at once!

He would allow himself to be held if no strangers were about and you would reward him by placing him somewhere extra high and cozy, like the sweater shelf. If you ever called him “Mr. Silky Pants” he’d get really pissed and leave the room.

He terrorized the neighbor’s indoor kitty by punching a hole in their screen door and running in to fight her under her own bed! But first, he created his own royal cat door in our apartment using the same methods.

At the end of his long reign (he lived well over 20 years) blind and arthritic, he demanded we take the day off from work to hold him while he passed to his royal reward (he went naturally, no vet, no drugs).

Meanest, greatest, most magnificent of all the kitty monarchs! The King is dead….mew.

Submitted by: Janette

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Gallery: Bernadette

Monday, September 19th, 2011

Name: Bernadette
Location: Martinez, CA

Bernadette is a meankitty

Here is one of my many faces for your enjoyment. I call it the "Back Off".

What makes Bernadette so mean?

This is Bernadette. When she gets especially cranky I call her “Princess Bernadette,” which *sometimes* puts her in a better mood.

Princess Bernadette (she’s in a very cranky mood right now) is 14 years young and feistier than ever.

Bernadette is a mean meankitty

Face 2, the deceptively innocent "Bath Face", is my primary method for collecting hairball materials. Hruk hruk hruk hruk!

This darling cat is known to have many evil hobbies. Presumably just for the sake of meanness, Berna loves to go to the bathroom exactly one inch from her litter box. When she gets tired of doing that, she enjoys peeing on the kitchen floor, strategically in a place where her family members will not notice it, then slip and fall.

Bernadette’s greatest and most evil talent is, during her family’s favorite television shows, stepping on just the right TV control button so that the sound and/or picture disappears, often taking several minutes to rectify.

Bernadette is pissed off

Face 3 is simply known as "Yowl". Kind of postmodern, huh?

A multifaceted little kitty, Bernadette is also known to enjoy scratching new furniture, sleeping everywhere except her cat bed, puking on any object of worth left out in plain sight, hissing at any and all visitors, and generally spreading ill-will, especially during the holidays.

Bernadette is mad

Here's a fourth face for your perusal. I like to call it "hissy face".

Submitted by: Ellise

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Gallery: Monty

Saturday, September 17th, 2011

Name: Monty (for now)
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark

Monty is a meankitty

You dare to make eye contact with me, human? With your sunglasses off?? My glorious evil visage will burn your retinas out!

What makes Monty so mean?

At first the cat went by the name Beelzebub, mostly because he insisted on it, but then one morning written in kecthup was a name, Shaitan, then Azazel. He later changed it to Sammael, and for a period insisted on Ogdru Jahad. One morning I found a toilet paper roll that had been shredded to pieces. They formed the word Monty.

Monty close up looks even meaner

Your blind fumbling about without the use of your retinas only draws you closer to my claws and teeth. HAHAHAH! Victory is mine, sayeth the Monty!

Monty is a 2 year old Maine Coon weighing 8 kilos. He is from the smoldering plains of juttland in the dark and evil realm of Denmark, but he now resides in the capital, Copenhagen. I had to sell my soul to buy him, and some other stuff. (cookies and cash)

To say Monty is mean is an understatement. At least you would have to rethink the meaning of the word “mean” to something worse. He will hack and slash and bite anything that moves. He doesn’t like to be touched by human hands and will repay such an act with claws and bites.

Monty does not purr when petted. He just watches until you are done petting him and then attacks your leg and bites your toes.

Monty is a meankitty

I now feel slightly less evil. You have 5 minutes to live.

Despite all this, when I am coming home from work, he will wait for me in the driveway and greet me with purring and miawing for a period of exactly 5 minutes before returning to evil mode.

When he learned he was to be on the site, Monty decided not to curse anyone to helvede, hel or the skærsild (bad stuff in olf danish/norse.) His human was pretty sure Monty would postpone Ragnarok because of the inclusion

Meankitty’s Note: We do what we can to save the world!

Submitted by: Kristian

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Gallery: Mr. Pickle

Thursday, September 15th, 2011

Name: Mr. Pickle
Location: The Land of Knowing

Mr Pickle is allegedly a meankitty

I will allow this one photo, but then we have to destroy all evidence I was ever here.

What makes Mr. Pickle so mean?

Mr. Pickle knows things. Things you don’t.

Meankitty’s Note: While this information would normally be insufficient evidence that Mr. Pickle is, indeed, a worthy resident of the Meankitty Gallery, we suspect that what makes Mr. Pickle so mean is the fact that he monitors his human’s internet communications and deleted the original message intended for my Typing Slave. Moreover, we suspect “Mr. Pickle” did this in order to preserve his anonymity and conceal his true identity. If the human had revealed the things Mr. Pickle does that are so mean, Mr. Pickle might have been forced to kill everyone who visited the site. Thus, it is probably a good thing that Mr. Pickle monitors his human’s internet communications.

Submitted by: Anonymous

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Gallery: Dot

Wednesday, September 14th, 2011

Name: Dot
Location: Purring Happily

Dot is a meankitty

This is a decent vantage! I mean, vintage.

What makes Dot so mean?

This is Dot. She is insane. As you can see from the pictures, she likes to climb. Anything and anyone. With her claws.

She also loves to annoy us as much as possible. And she does it in sooooo many ways. Laying on the keyboard as I type, tearing up anything that resembles paper or boxes, knocking over anything near the edge of the table, climbing the screen windows, attacking us from below the couch while we watch TV. She loves to claw the wall so it sounds like nails on a chalkboard. She is the happiest when she darts all over the house bouncing off my legs and butt to quickly turn another direction and then attacking with claws and teeth before running away. My forearm is full of scars from her wrapping herself around it. She wraps herself so tightly, in fact, that I can lift my arm up and she will still be attached to it. She has even launched herself off the desk and onto my back to get on my shoulders. Many nights have I been on the phone with my mom and she will hear me scream because of something the cat has done.

Dot is a meankitty

I don't even need my eyes to leap off the coat rack and onto your head. Hey, come back here!

But Dot still loves to be petted and held. She will join me for a nap on the couch, purring away. We “talk” to each other. Play tag around the house. She also loves watching videos of other cats on video sites. Just this moment she and I were chirping to each other, so she climbed my back and over my shoulders to lay on the desk between me and the keyboard. She is purring happily.

Submitted by: Amy

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Gallery: Mugen

Thursday, September 8th, 2011

Name: Mugen
Location: Unknown

Mugen is a meankitty

This is my "things to put in my waterbowl" list. Excuse me while I cross off "your patience."

What makes Mugen so mean?

This is Mugen. He is a 7 month-old cat demon. He destroys EVERYTHING. He thinks its a good idea to steal my hair bands and put them in his water bowl. He doesn’t play with them either. I’ve seen him. He just takes it from the bathroom and carries it directly to his water bowl and drops it in. He also carries his kitty bed with him wherever it is that he wants to sleep.

He attacks my 4 year old cat Misha (not an angel herself, I might add) and does not hold back. He climbs everywhere and knocks everything over. He comes up to my ear at night and meows loudly so that I will wake up and pet him. His night crazies last from about 9 pm to 9 am. He tries to eat my hair. He seems cute but the minute you try to pet him, he attacks. Moving under the covers? Nah uh…bad idea. Guess who’s ready to pounce on you and destroy your toes?

Mugen is very mean

Quit holding me back! I want a hair snack!

I have never met a cat like him, and although he drives me INSANE and makes it near impossible to maintain a decent looking home…I love him to death.

Submitted by: Leslie

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Gallery: Ozzy

Thursday, September 8th, 2011

Name: Ozzy
Location: Arizona

Ozzy is a meankitty

I need the oils in the tuna to keep my mind sharp enough for all those sneak attacks, so don't you dare cut me off!

What makes Ozzy so mean?

When Ozzy was first found in a back alley, he could fit into a shirt pocket. As you can see, he can’t fit into anything now and he really sleeps like this too.

He’s a mean kitty because when Ozzy wants to play, he’ll wake you up in the middle of the night by biting your nose or chin. If that fails, he’ll switch tactics and attack the feet.

Much blood has been shed (all human) and many leave Ozzy’s domain with scars to prove their brave battle but ultimate defeat.

He’s all ours and we wouldn’t change anything – except for his ½ a can a day tuna habit.

Submitted by: Kelli

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Gallery: Evette

Sunday, September 4th, 2011

Name: Evette
Location: Kansas

Evette is a meankitty

Birds never get it when I taunt them...I think it has something to do with their brains.

What makes Evette so mean?

Evette is a little princess and has a very uppity personality–a mean one. When she isn’t being mean, she likes to have compliments whispered in her ears regarding how cute she is. Her favorite treat is a saucer of milk which must be served promptly at 9:30 p.m. every evening or all hell breaks loose! Her mortal enemy is her younger “brother,” a sweet, short-haired tabby named Maurice that gets all of the attention when guests come over to visit. Maybe she’d get more attention if she were a little nicer! Her favorite hobby is to climb trees like a squirrel and taunt and ridicule birds.

Submitted by: Glenn

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