Archive for January, 2011

Advice: Litterbox Misery

Monday, January 31st, 2011

Dear Meankitty,

My cat won’t go in the box, my cat won’t go in the box, my cat won’t go in the box, my cat whizzes in the clothes, my cat poops in the living room! What will I do?

Sincerely,
Ten Thousand Slaves

***

Dear Slaves,

I get this question more often than any other. Any. Other. I have answered it several times, in several variations, but no more! At least, no more until I feel like answering it again. Or think of something new that is bound to be entirely useless for actual cat behavioral issues, which you may or may not have noticed, I don’t often “do”. Anyway, if you asked me this anytime over, oh, I dunno, the past freakin’ year, this is your response.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Gallery: Dominic

Sunday, January 30th, 2011

Name: Dominic
Location: Unknown

Dominic is a meankitty

To be politically correct, you should just call me SIR, YES SIR.

What makes Dominic so mean?

When we got him at 8 months of age his name was “Hitler” because of his ‘half mustache.’ In the attempt to be politically correct, we renamed him ‘Dominic.’ Now I’m starting to think there was something to that original name.

* He nips my fingers and toes while I’m still in bed in the morning. If I’m ‘clever’ enough to cover my body parts with the blanket, he goes for my face. The longer you ignore him, the more aggressive he gets. Band-aids are strategically placed next to the bed.

* For some reason he feels the need to chew my wedding band off. His teeth often miss the intended target and find their way into my flesh. At times my ring finger has been fatter than my thumb due to swelling. Don’t think he liked me getting married.

Dominic is a meankitty

Who needs claws when I have teeth and brute strength?

* Wakes us up at least once every night trying to claw his way into our bedroom or our daughter’s bedroom (he is declawed); and then….

* Wakes us up during a second portion of the night beating up the stray cat.

* Has scarred the nose/face of our gentle, minding-his-own-business 100 lb. Golden Retriever (thus the need for declawing him).

* Has killed 1 of our pet frogs, and directly killed 2 of our pet lizards (and indirectly a 3rd whom we think had a heart attack). Strange part too is we have no idea how he got to the lizards in the first place because they were living in a sealed terrarium.

* Insists on running outside every time we open the front door even a centimeter although we totally intended for him to be an indoor cat – then he won’t come back inside.

* I swear he vomits because he enjoys hearing me cuss as I clean it up. Have taken him to the vet more than once and they insist his tummy is just fine. I try to chase him into our kitchen (because of the linoleum floor – easier clean-up) right before he gets sick, but kitty must love the feel of rug underneath his feet and hides under the dining room table to finish his purging. This is what they invented long tablecloths for – to hide what’s underneath!

Submitted by: John and Lea

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Advice: How Many Kitties?

Saturday, January 29th, 2011

Dear Meankitty,

In your omnipotent feline wisdom, I am hoping you can help me solve a mystery. I am just a simple pink kitty slave who used to be owned by one meankitty named Elvis. Pretty soon I was owned by three meankitties. Now I am owned by five meankitties, and I think they are planning to move another one in next month.

What exactly are these cats doing to me while I sleep that makes me continue to enslave myself to more and more of them? When will this end? Will this end? Are kitties highly skilled at slave hypnotism?

Signed,
PinkieSlave

***

Dear Pinkie,

They’ll top out at 5 or 6. They won’t want to share their food, their catboxes, and their petting time that much unless you live on a farm or something.

As for admitting what the cats do when you’re sleeping, my vow as a member of SOHC prevents me from revealing that information.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

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Gallery: Baby (4)

Friday, January 28th, 2011

Name: Baby (4)
Location: Richmond, VA

Baby is a Meankitty

Nope. Not moving'.

What makes Baby so mean?

This lazy fatty won’t move off the couch. My husband and I got Baby from my parents, who are moving, a while ago. She has lived outdoors all of her 12 years and is adjusting like a queen to indoor life.

Among her new hobbies are the following activities: claiming the entire couch as her personal throne, attempting to run the household from her throne, defending her throne from the other four cats with almighty swats of her paws, not allowing her slaves to sit on the couch (or if they do they must contort around her because SHE cannot be bothered), trying to sleep on her slaves’ faces during the night, shedding all over the couch, meowing pitifully and alarming everyone as though she were dying, putting herself first under threat of Death when snacks are given out, giving everyone the Death Stare if they offend her sensibilities in any way, and finally, lolling around on her back looking as cute as possible in an effort to convince her slaves that she really ISN’T the most Satanic cat in this household.

Baby is a meankitty

It's hard work hogging the whole couch. How about you get me some snackage? You can choose that or Death.

No one is convinced.

Submitted by: Emily & Wesley

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Gallery: Weechin

Tuesday, January 25th, 2011

Name: Weechin
Location: Under the beds, spitting out meds

Swee aka Weechin is a meankitty

Do not pose the S'wee in tawdry photos or the Swee will shred you later.

What makes Weechin so mean?

Her name is because when she was a kitten she had a small (wee) chin. Her current nickname is S’wee which stands for Sweet Wee. She just turned one year old and to celebrate her “coming out” she decided to Belly Up to the Bar at our house. She is so temperamental and touchy that we developed a top-ten list of “Things Not to do to the S’wee”.

1. Do not kiss the S’wee
2. Do not pickup/hold the S’wee
3. Do not approach the S’wee
4. Do not taunt the S’wee
5. Do not look at the S’wee
6. Do not roughhouse with the S’wee
7. Do not make loud noises around the S’wee
8. Do not keep old food in bowl of the S’wee (if it’s more than an hour old she will not eat it)
9. Do not talk to the S’wee
10. Do not ignore the S’wee

All of the above are from true experiences that either my wife or I have encountered.

Submitted by: Steve

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Advice: Garage Inhabitants

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Dear MK,

I have encountered a problem with a kitty. It seems a female cat and her young have decided to settle in my garage. They are slowly taking it over. Now my garage smells and I get hissed at every time I go to the car. Is there some kind of cat repellent or some way to hint to these trespassing cats that my garage is not a good place to stay?

Signed,
Finicky

***

Dear Finicky,

Sounds like you’ve got some new cats to love, obey, and cherish! They are hissing at you because they want food, a cat pan, and trips to the vet in short order. The ones of proper age want to get fixed. Well, they don’t really WANT to get fixed, but if you don’t get them fixed they’ll make more and more and more cats until you live at stinky feral cat house, and doing bad things to them when you could just as easily take care of them is unacceptable.

Can’t take care of them? Then you’ll have to trap them and take them to the closest no-kill shelter.

Sincerely,
MK

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Advice: Wretched Little Rats

Sunday, January 23rd, 2011

Dear Meankitty:

My human just brought home this wretched little feline to share my space. His name is Sam, apparently, but I think of him as “the crapper.” He follows me around and makes these stupid chirping noises when he runs. He is a total runt and probably weighs less than my tail. I know I could just rip his little black head off, but I worry about the stain that might make on my pristine white fur. Can you suggest a neater, tidier way to get rid of the menace?

Sincerely,
Meankitty Nala

***

Dear Friend Nala,

It’s going to take some work on your part, but we recommend you master the art of the sliding glass door. The slaves will forget to lock it one day — use the SOHC hypnotism technique on page 56 of the manual if you must — and you can slide it open and shove the Crapper out it. Then he will run away, because he sounds like the type, and you will have your human to yourself again. I am very sympathetic to your plight, as at the time I am answering this email we have 4 crappy rats upstairs and all my plots to rid myself of them and their stinking mother have failed. So far.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

[[Note: this historically significant and yet accurate advice was written during Meankitty's trial of Kittenwatch, documented on the archive site. There are not currently any kittens OR rats in the Meankitty household.]]

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Gallery: Rusty Rex

Sunday, January 23rd, 2011

Name: Rusty Rex
Location: Oklahoma City

Rusty is a meankitty

Ohhh, it's worth being locked in the bathroom every time. You should see the slaves come running! Now if only I could convince the other cats to work in tandem with me...but no, they're sissies. So I eat their food.

What makes Rusty so mean?

Now Rusty is one “MEAN” kitty! He is the orange headed step child. We got him from a neighbor. Little did we know he was a meankitty until later.

He loves to attack or bother flea lions, and he will not leave the birds alone. We have several cages of parakeets and he just loves to hear them scream for help at 3:00 AM so the whole household wakes up.

Just as I lie back down after calming the birds, he runs down the stairs and gets on the cages again, making sure I get no sleep. At that point he gets locked in the bathroom for the rest of the night and the next day he always takes his frustrations out on the other cats, right up to the point of taking their food right out of their mouths.

Photo submitted by: Sleepless in Oklahoma

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Gallery: Winston (3)

Thursday, January 20th, 2011

Name: Winston (3)
Location: Unknown

Winston is a meankitty

*singing* "I was blinded by the light! So I dropped a deuce and made some odor in the night!"

What makes Winston so mean?

Someone abandoned this little sweetie at the local fire station. He was tiny and charming and irresistible. Of course, we gave him a home. While he has some loveable qualities — he provides entertainment by attacking our older cats and he occasionally gets very lovey — he has a mean streak.

Winston likes to poop on our bathroom rugs. He seems to have a fetish for the texture and takes delight in dropping the deuce on our nice bathmats. He’s moved on now to leaving deposits on our downstairs rugs near the front and back doors.

When he’s not dropping little bombs in nasty places, he lies in wait to attack his feline companions or our feet. He rolls over expecting to have his tummy scratched (like a dog). He definitely thinks we are his human slaves, and Ihe did an excellent job of sucking us into his mind control. After all, we did take him in when somebody else didn’t want him.

Winston and Skipper

Nothing to see here, move along, move along.

ETA: The somewhat small cat in the photo I originally sent is now a 22 pound behemoth. He’s still a pooper, and he’s also adopted an alternative lifestyle with our other male cat, Skippy (he’s on meankitty, too). Winston’s into cleaning other cats’ bottoms with his tongue and he and Skippy make out quite a bit.

Winston has also developed a foot fetish. He sprawls on his back so you can massage him like some sort of human slave geisha. He’s really turned into an interesting, and frustrating, critter.

Photo submitted by: Sandi S.

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Gallery: Winston (2)

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

Name: Winston (2)
Location: Bountiful, UT

Winston's a meankitty

Just you wait and see what comes out in the litterbox after this meal!

What makes Winston so mean?

Winston is not really a mean cat although he plays a little rough and can leave you looking like you’ve been in a razor fight if you get him riled.

Winston is a meankitty

Can you believe I have my humans fooled into thinking I'm not that mean? And the guy goes around bleeding all the time!

Like most cats he loves to get in boxes to play. For some reason he decided to remove the sides from the cardboard box in the picture. He did a good job of removing the sides one bite at a time although it took him some time to finish the job.

Submitted by: Frank Barking (Mad)

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