Meankitty.com

Name: Emerson
Location: Dallas

Put 'em up, put 'em up!

What makes Emerson so mean?

My cat Emerson is so mean that I call him the “Light Weight Champion”. I even have a photo to prove it. Check it out and be sure to put on your boxing gloves!

Also, Emerson always tripped my former roommate in the morning when she was half asleep and trying to get ready for work. No broken bones but a lot of kitty giggles.

Submitted by: Amanda

Dear Meankitty,

My cat won’t go in the box, my cat won’t go in the box, my cat won’t go in the box, my cat whizzes in the clothes, my cat poops in the living room! What will I do?

Sincerely,
Ten Thousand Slaves

***

Dear Slaves,

I get this question more often than any other. Any. Other. I have answered it several times, in several variations, but no more! At least, no more until I feel like answering it again. Or think of something new that is bound to be entirely useless for actual cat behavioral issues, which you may or may not have noticed, I don’t often “do”. Anyway, if you asked me this anytime over, oh, I dunno, the past freakin’ year, this is your response.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Name: Dominic
Location: Unknown

To be politically correct, you should just call me SIR, YES SIR.

What makes Dominic so mean?

When we got him at 8 months of age his name was “Hitler” because of his ‘half mustache.’ In the attempt to be politically correct, we renamed him ‘Dominic.’ Now I’m starting to think there was something to that original name.

* He nips my fingers and toes while I’m still in bed in the morning. If I’m ‘clever’ enough to cover my body parts with the blanket, he goes for my face. The longer you ignore him, the more aggressive he gets. Band-aids are strategically placed next to the bed.

* For some reason he feels the need to chew my wedding band off. His teeth often miss the intended target and find their way into my flesh. At times my ring finger has been fatter than my thumb due to swelling. Don’t think he liked me getting married.

Who needs claws when I have teeth and brute strength?

* Wakes us up at least once every night trying to claw his way into our bedroom or our daughter’s bedroom (he is declawed); and then….

* Wakes us up during a second portion of the night beating up the stray cat.

* Has scarred the nose/face of our gentle, minding-his-own-business 100 lb. Golden Retriever (thus the need for declawing him).

* Has killed 1 of our pet frogs, and directly killed 2 of our pet lizards (and indirectly a 3rd whom we think had a heart attack). Strange part too is we have no idea how he got to the lizards in the first place because they were living in a sealed terrarium.

* Insists on running outside every time we open the front door even a centimeter although we totally intended for him to be an indoor cat – then he won’t come back inside.

* I swear he vomits because he enjoys hearing me cuss as I clean it up. Have taken him to the vet more than once and they insist his tummy is just fine. I try to chase him into our kitchen (because of the linoleum floor – easier clean-up) right before he gets sick, but kitty must love the feel of rug underneath his feet and hides under the dining room table to finish his purging. This is what they invented long tablecloths for – to hide what’s underneath!

Submitted by: John and Lea

Dear Meankitty,

In your omnipotent feline wisdom, I am hoping you can help me solve a mystery. I am just a simple pink kitty slave who used to be owned by one meankitty named Elvis. Pretty soon I was owned by three meankitties. Now I am owned by five meankitties, and I think they are planning to move another one in next month.

What exactly are these cats doing to me while I sleep that makes me continue to enslave myself to more and more of them? When will this end? Will this end? Are kitties highly skilled at slave hypnotism?

Signed,
PinkieSlave

***

Dear Pinkie,

They’ll top out at 5 or 6. They won’t want to share their food, their catboxes, and their petting time that much unless you live on a farm or something.

As for admitting what the cats do when you’re sleeping, my vow as a member of SOHC prevents me from revealing that information.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Name: Cho
Location: Alabama

He started it. You should have heard what he said before you come downstairs!

What makes Cho so mean?

Cho is a very mean kitty who we adopted from a pet store three years ago. She’s bitten me about 180 times and counting. She seems to enjoy the taste of human blood.

Once, my guy friend came over before school (we usually carpool together). I was upstairs brushing my hair. Cho was sitting royally on “her” soft recliner while my friend was waiting for me on the nearby couch. They got to staring at each other.

Right as I came downstairs, I watched in horror as Cho, seemingly in slow motion, flew at my unsuspecting friend and tackled his leg. After being promptly shaken off, she shot us a look that could kill and sauntered away.

Submitted by: Jennie

Name: Baby (4)
Location: Richmond, VA

Nope. Not moving'.

What makes Baby so mean?

This lazy fatty won’t move off the couch. My husband and I got Baby from my parents, who are moving, a while ago. She has lived outdoors all of her 12 years and is adjusting like a queen to indoor life.

Among her new hobbies are the following activities: claiming the entire couch as her personal throne, attempting to run the household from her throne, defending her throne from the other four cats with almighty swats of her paws, not allowing her slaves to sit on the couch (or if they do they must contort around her because SHE cannot be bothered), trying to sleep on her slaves’ faces during the night, shedding all over the couch, meowing pitifully and alarming everyone as though she were dying, putting herself first under threat of Death when snacks are given out, giving everyone the Death Stare if they offend her sensibilities in any way, and finally, lolling around on her back looking as cute as possible in an effort to convince her slaves that she really ISN’T the most Satanic cat in this household.

It's hard work hogging the whole couch. How about you get me some snackage? You can choose that or Death.

No one is convinced.

Submitted by: Emily & Wesley

Name: Amadeus
Location: Unknown

Dog: "WHINE! That's not what I meant by Rock Me Amadeus!"

What makes Amadeus so mean?

This is Amadeus, she’s the ultimate mean kitty. She lives with two 70 pound Huskies who are afraid to walk past her. They will whine until I remove her from their path.

She is also the disciplinarian for the foster dogs that come into the household. Here she is teaching the new foster dog Memphis the rules of the household. There’s only one rule that matters – don’t cross Amadeus!

Submitted by: Some human

Name: Weechin
Location: Under the beds, spitting out meds

Do not pose the S'wee in tawdry photos or the Swee will shred you later.

What makes Weechin so mean?

Her name is because when she was a kitten she had a small (wee) chin. Her current nickname is S’wee which stands for Sweet Wee. She just turned one year old and to celebrate her “coming out” she decided to Belly Up to the Bar at our house. She is so temperamental and touchy that we developed a top-ten list of “Things Not to do to the S’wee”.

1. Do not kiss the S’wee
2. Do not pickup/hold the S’wee
3. Do not approach the S’wee
4. Do not taunt the S’wee
5. Do not look at the S’wee
6. Do not roughhouse with the S’wee
7. Do not make loud noises around the S’wee
8. Do not keep old food in bowl of the S’wee (if it’s more than an hour old she will not eat it)
9. Do not talk to the S’wee
10. Do not ignore the S’wee

All of the above are from true experiences that either my wife or I have encountered.

Submitted by: Steve

Dear MK,

I have encountered a problem with a kitty. It seems a female cat and her young have decided to settle in my garage. They are slowly taking it over. Now my garage smells and I get hissed at every time I go to the car. Is there some kind of cat repellent or some way to hint to these trespassing cats that my garage is not a good place to stay?

Signed,
Finicky

***

Dear Finicky,

Sounds like you’ve got some new cats to love, obey, and cherish! They are hissing at you because they want food, a cat pan, and trips to the vet in short order. The ones of proper age want to get fixed. Well, they don’t really WANT to get fixed, but if you don’t get them fixed they’ll make more and more and more cats until you live at stinky feral cat house, and doing bad things to them when you could just as easily take care of them is unacceptable.

Can’t take care of them? Then you’ll have to trap them and take them to the closest no-kill shelter.

Sincerely,
MK

Name: Pussy Galore, formerly Mr. Hairy
Location: Unknown

Is that the fridge door I hear? Mew, mew, mew. I'm so sweet!

What makes Pussy Galore so mean?

It’s not surprising that kitty has issues when she was called Mr Hairy for her first 6 months. That’s bound to get your goat, especially when your an arrogant prissy like Pussy Galore!

She’s totally bi-polar, really nice at times. Well, when the fridge door is open she switches to ‘lovely puss’, but as soon as there’s no food on the cards she’s an antisocial, scratchy, unaffectionate beast.

She doesn’t like giving out strokes and has a techniques of dodging and diving around your hand so there’s no way you can get a proper, satisfying one.

The worst thing is when she slips into ‘crazy eye’ mode. This normally involves waiting until I am trying to come down the stairs, blocking the route and jumping onto the bottom of my leg and attacking it with all her gusto!! There’s teeth latched on (normally to the bone at the front of the leg,) front legs wrapped around the calf in a bear-hug style, and pistoning her back legs (kinda like a rabbit) to get maximum scratchage on the ankle area. The thing is, if you spot her waiting to attack, and try to sweet talk her into being a good puss, it only gets her more excited and she’ll even start eyeing up as if to jump at your face.

Despite her sporadic attacks, she is so beautiful and has a massive bushy tail. She loves to talk and has a boyfriend (a big fat stray) she likes to go out with. She is also stupid (almost punch-drunk) at times, doing things like jumping onto something and falling immediately off again.

Submitted by: Fran