When I was a kitten, I had to hike uphill in the snow just to use the litterbox! And it was full of rocks!
What makes Sam so mean?
I’m a cantankerous feline but at 16, can you blame me? I have trouble hearing, I can’t smell my delicious fishy food any longer, my eyes are so clouded over I can barely see and I need my insulin shots twice a day. I know my owner is plotting against me, wishing I would stick my fork in the wall and go to that kitty litterbox up in the sky. But I’m such a stubborn old coot, I’m going to make it a good, long life just to annoy her. But I’m no so old I can’t see that troublemaker invading my territory! Hey you! Get out of my house! Darn kid. Thinks he’s so smart moving in. Kids now a’days….out running everything and not a lick of sense. Dumbass thinks it’s fun to play with a stupid ball in some round plastic thing. Waste of time if you ask me. Much better just curled up in my comfy bed sleeping. Now THAT’S quality time.
I’m a old mean kitty and damn proud of it! Now get off my lawn before I take a stick to you!
In my formative years, I spent a lot of time as a famous computer hacker, KITXY2000.
What makes Sam so mean?
It’s late at night, and all the animals are sleeping but me. What can I say about Sam? He’s an overweight womanizer. My ex-girlfriend, who was a psychologist, diagnosed him as a psychopath who’s desire for cuddle time has been twisted and fused with the drama that comes with violence and murder.
He was a stray cat at one time. So it is difficult to say what happened to him in his formative years to make him who he is. He is “fixed” but he still has desires. Desires that are satisfied with articles of dirty laundry (every day I come home I have to pick up clothes off of the floor).
There is bloodshed every day (mine, not his). It’s a good thing that I have a high tolerance for pain. Scratching posts are meaningless in this house because that’s what my book cases are for. Very spoiled, will not eat unless I heat up his cat food in the microwave. Now my microwave stinks.
This is Lexie. I captured this moment shortly after she dispatched a solicitor. Unfortunately, she turned that look at me so I went back inside. The prudent thing to do, really.
We definitely don't want any.
She doesn’t much appreciate her sunning on the stoop to be disturbed. People who don’t know her think she’s coming for other animals, prey, and so on, but this photo proves that’s not necessarily the case.
My father was a bulldog? A DOG??? Mother, how could you!
What makes Tank so mean?
This is Tank, named by my children for the surviving brother who wouldn’t die, got back up and kicked evil butt on The Matrix. Our Tank was the only survivor of his 5 littermates, who all succumbed to birth defects of the head and mouth.
The reason I don't bite people is because I could lose a tooth that way. Imagine how funny I'd look THEN!
Tank’s amazing teeth appeared at about 2 months. Tank is mean because he and his mother, Precious, will come up to you all cute-like, stopping just out of your reach. When you reach out to pet them, they allow about 3 pets (if that), then they strut off like they’ve barely tolerated you and you should be honored. Tank especially loves to approach you as if you’re his destination and just as you see him, he’ll sidestep, drop into a playful head-roll, and stare at you upside-down, purring loudly, as he affectionately reaches for you with his paws. When you are convinced that he really does want your attention and rise to go to him, he bolts away, and you’ve fallen for it again. I guess it would be worse if he bit and scratched, so we’re lucky he’s just a tease.
This is Ekal (Thai for white female). She loves to ambush. Our poor female dog is constantly pounced on and batted from various ambush locations. The dog is too sweet to fight back…instead she just yelps when smacked on the nose or tail.
Sometimes Ekal will roll over on her back as if lovingly waiting to have her belly rubbed…careful, it is a trap. Her front paws will clutch you while her hind legs kick you, followed by knuckle biting. This is a mean cat!
I was wondering why do all my cats like to lay on my newspaper???
Readin’ Between the Lions (Sam)
The first thing you have to understand is it’s not your newspaper. It’s theirs. And they know you want to borrow it and cats don’t like to have their newspapers borrowed when their slaves could be doing something more useful, like petting them or building a cat tree or laying on the couch so the cat can lay on their stomach. If you MUST read the paper, you can try sneaking it into the bathroom and closing the door. Just hope they don’t hear that paperish rattling noise and come after you.
I have a female cat named Bubbas who kicks serious butt. She kills gophers, birds and snakes. She is She-Ra! I have another female indoor cat who is 14 years old named Onyx who doesn’t seem to understand that when she growls and hisses at Bubbas, Bubbas is going to try and eat her alive. How can I make Onyx understand that it is better for her to remain still and silent while Bubbas is around?
Exasperated in New Mexico
Have you ever actually SEEN Bubbas trying to eat Onyx? Have you been forced to wade into a whirling catfight to prevent wholesale kittyslaughter? If not, it might be that Bubbas is respectful of Onyx’s age and position in the household.
And if not, well, you can’t teach an old cat new tricks. Perhaps you could invest in one of those scary Hannibal Lecter masks for Bubbas and it will both prevent her from devouring Onyx as well as scare Onyx into hiding under your bed for three days straight. Which has repercussions as well.
HELP!!!!! I have a 4 month old male kitten and here lately he has missing the litter box and pooping bedside it. I clean it out regular, like everyday, but he refuses to poop in it. He just started this behavior just a week or two ago and we have no clue why. I have tried bleaching the spot as well as putting vinegar but he just will not give it up. Do u have any advice?
Dear Carmelia Slave,
Well, since it’s been ages since I got this email from you, I am going to assume the problem took care of itself. However, if you want to know what I would have told you had my Typing Slave been on the ball enough to post timely advice, I would have told you to cut a huge trap-door type hole in the floor where the kitten usually poops and the next time he squatted in the wrong place to do his business, presto! he’d be in for a rude shock when he dropped into the pail of cold water you placed in the pit. That might scare the sh*t out of him, but at least it wouldn’t be on the carpet.
Note: This email was actually received by us. See if you can tell which parts we “revised”!!
Note the 2nd: We did not add the first mention of ferrets.
I’ve been looking over your “Mean Kitty” gallery, and from the descriptions of the cats it’s possible that most of them are either in chronic pain, lashing out because of it, and need veterinary care; were terribly abused when younger, and need to be treated differently than if they had had normal upbringing — again, a vet should be consulted for that; or are simply being treated in a way no self-respecting cat (or human being, for that matter) would like blah blah, and are trying to tell the human beings who treat them with disrespect to have better manners.
The blah blah remainder are very similar to cats (and ferrets) I’ve actually known to whom idiots gave psychedelic drugs when they were kittens, something which blah blah blah, at that stage of a cat’s life, permanently deranges their nervous systems, and may need antipsychotic medication — otherwise they can’t help but be paranoid at all times, frightened of everyone and everything, on an emotional roller-coaster that never stops. Cats (and ferrets) aren’t mean for no reason, any more than human beings are blah. There are always reasons, and if these people do love their cats, they really need blah blah to research the problems they’re describing here. I’d be glad to provide what information I can for each class of problems, but I’m not a professional vet, and they really ought to turn to vets as well as to the many good books on the subject for the best information for this. Blah blah.
I have a feeling that many of these people expect their cats to act like dogs blah blah blah, and treat them as if they were dogs, or gerbils, or hamsters, or blah blah blah blah blah, or whatever non-feline animal it may be, and that just doesn’t work with cats, any more than it would, say, a ferret. Or they see them as animated stuffed toys, appliances there for the owner’s convenience rather than individuals in their own blah blah blah right, with souls, spirits, and blah minds of their own. If so, they really should not have a cat. A cat is as much an individual as any human being or, for that matter, ferret, and, like a human being (or ferret), very much resents being taken for granted, and treated as if it were not a sentient, sapient being (or ferret) with its own emotional and spiritual as well as physical needs. A good veterinarian (or ferret) can make this clearer.
But the gist of it is that some people just aren’t meant to have cats (or ferrets) blah blah blah ferrets blah blah. Maybe dogs are better for them and they for dogs, say, or maybe some other type of pet. People should have the types of pets they can empathize with, whom they can see as people — albeit non-human people — in their own right, and I have a feeling some of these nice people whose cats are portrayed here just aren’t able to empathize very well with their cats blah blah blah, blah.
Blah blah blah dogs want us to be pack-leaders, and live to obey us. Cats (and ferrets) want true I-thou blah blah blah relationships with us, in which they are seen by us blah as emotional and spiritual peers, blah blah. True, they don’t have the keys to the car blah blah and couldn’t use them if they did (though ferrets could), but the same blah blah blah blah is true of a quadriplegic. Think of blah blah blah Sir Stephen Hawking, the world-renowned blah cosmologist and physicist (and ferret), who has been completely paralyzed for many years save for the one finger he can move to type blah blah blah and thus communicate with others (and ferrets). Trapped in a body that doesn’t work any more, blah blah blah, he has been able to change the whole universe for us (and ferrets) as no one since Einstein has, blah blah blah blah.
Obviously his body doesn’t have much to say about what he is blah blah blah blah blah blah blah spiritually and emotionally! The same is true of cats (and ferrets). Their spirits and souls are as blah blah blah big as those of Sir Stephen. When we don’t acknowledge that, they really resent that blah blah blah — and they also, understandably, become afraid of us, because if we don’t see them as intelligent beings in their own right, we are very likely to mistreat them (and ferrets), and they know that blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah meow blah blah. Fear makes beings lash out at whoever and whatever they fear (and ferrets) — hence the “meanness” of those “mean” kitties blah blah meow meow blah blah. They aren’t congenitally meow blah blah meow bad — they are chronically insulted, outraged, and fearful (like ferrets). Or they are permanently stoned meeeeeeow blaaaaaaah because some moron gave them blah blah LSD as kittens, or they are in chronic agony because of internal blah blah blah blah injuries that haven’t been properly treated (by ferrets).
One way or another, the cats (and ferrets) aren’t the only ones with attitude problems blah blah blah blah — and the attitude “problems” they have are, in most cases, at least, highly reasonable reactions to what they justifiably perceive as ill-treatment of one sort or another. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah meow bark bark hiss poo poo blah blah blah. Maybe they just get tired of bad manners on our part. Or they could be reacting to the very real, physical pain somebody puts them in picking them up the wrong way blah blah blah blah blah blah mewwwwwwwwow blah, aggravating old injuries (made by ferrets). Or they may need blah blah blah blah antipsychotic medication to control a condition (like ferret rash) they really can’t help and aren’t responsible for blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah meow.
Whatever it is, I think someone ought to let the owners of blah blah blah blah blah blather blah humph meow blah blah these cats (and ferrets) know that they might want to check with a good vet (or ferret) to see blah blah blah blah blah what actually underlies the behavior problems blah blah blah blah blah cat cat ferret cat potato head pink thing cat blah blah — or find a home for their blah blah meow meow blah blah cats where the cats will be cherished blah blah blah blah blah for what they are, and cared for properly, and get a pet for themselves (like ferrets) they can empathize with blah blah blah blah blah and take care of properly, instead. Blah blah blah blah blah ferret love blah blah meow blah blah eat tuna blah blah blah blah blah blah blah meow bark bark bark bark bow-wow.
Apparently there’s a craze going around the internet where idiot humans gift wrap their extremely tolerant cats.
That one seems to be the original. Here’s a copygiftwrapcat. The vid itself keeps going for 4, nearly 5 minutes, but after the last shot of the cat all wrapped up, it’s utter darkness. Perhaps to mirror the cat’s thoughts of revenge?
This guy here is big, fuzzy and probably capable of taking his human out if he so chooses. Do you think he will after this?
This cat wrapping (and mailing) video is marred by the hysterical human videographer.
Some cats? Not so tolerant:
This cat can’t decide if he wants to be wrapped or not. He’s like a wrap teaser. Do you want to wrap me? Okay…but no! Well, maybe. But no!
These two humans don’t even reach the tape stage of their attempt to giftwrap their cat, who wisely escapes:
This is probably the funniest uncooperative cat video, although the cheat that the humans employ near the end may disturb some viewers. Note that the cat defeats the cheat anyway!
And this cat doesn’t even want the human to wrap any gift, much less him. Or maybe he wants the human to wrap him instead?
So, do you think we should let the humans try to wrap US?
Meankitty's been online since 1999 or thereabouts. Srsly.
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How can a cat be online? Typing Slave, aka Jody Wallace, maintains the website for Meankitty, who sadly lacks opposable thumbs.
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