When I was a kitten, I had to hike uphill in the snow just to use the litterbox! And it was full of rocks!
What makes Sam so mean?
I’m a cantankerous feline but at 16, can you blame me? I have trouble hearing, I can’t smell my delicious fishy food any longer, my eyes are so clouded over I can barely see and I need my insulin shots twice a day. I know my owner is plotting against me, wishing I would stick my fork in the wall and go to that kitty litterbox up in the sky. But I’m such a stubborn old coot, I’m going to make it a good, long life just to annoy her. But I’m no so old I can’t see that troublemaker invading my territory! Hey you! Get out of my house! Darn kid. Thinks he’s so smart moving in. Kids now a’days….out running everything and not a lick of sense. Dumbass thinks it’s fun to play with a stupid ball in some round plastic thing. Waste of time if you ask me. Much better just curled up in my comfy bed sleeping. Now THAT’S quality time.
I’m a old mean kitty and damn proud of it! Now get off my lawn before I take a stick to you!
In my formative years, I spent a lot of time as a famous computer hacker, KITXY2000.
What makes Sam so mean?
It’s late at night, and all the animals are sleeping but me. What can I say about Sam? He’s an overweight womanizer. My ex-girlfriend, who was a psychologist, diagnosed him as a psychopath who’s desire for cuddle time has been twisted and fused with the drama that comes with violence and murder.
He was a stray cat at one time. So it is difficult to say what happened to him in his formative years to make him who he is. He is “fixed” but he still has desires. Desires that are satisfied with articles of dirty laundry (every day I come home I have to pick up clothes off of the floor).
There is bloodshed every day (mine, not his). It’s a good thing that I have a high tolerance for pain. Scratching posts are meaningless in this house because that’s what my book cases are for. Very spoiled, will not eat unless I heat up his cat food in the microwave. Now my microwave stinks.
This is Lexie. I captured this moment shortly after she dispatched a solicitor. Unfortunately, she turned that look at me so I went back inside. The prudent thing to do, really.
We definitely don't want any.
She doesn’t much appreciate her sunning on the stoop to be disturbed. People who don’t know her think she’s coming for other animals, prey, and so on, but this photo proves that’s not necessarily the case.
My father was a bulldog? A DOG??? Mother, how could you!
What makes Tank so mean?
This is Tank, named by my children for the surviving brother who wouldn’t die, got back up and kicked evil butt on The Matrix. Our Tank was the only survivor of his 5 littermates, who all succumbed to birth defects of the head and mouth.
The reason I don't bite people is because I could lose a tooth that way. Imagine how funny I'd look THEN!
Tank’s amazing teeth appeared at about 2 months. Tank is mean because he and his mother, Precious, will come up to you all cute-like, stopping just out of your reach. When you reach out to pet them, they allow about 3 pets (if that), then they strut off like they’ve barely tolerated you and you should be honored. Tank especially loves to approach you as if you’re his destination and just as you see him, he’ll sidestep, drop into a playful head-roll, and stare at you upside-down, purring loudly, as he affectionately reaches for you with his paws. When you are convinced that he really does want your attention and rise to go to him, he bolts away, and you’ve fallen for it again. I guess it would be worse if he bit and scratched, so we’re lucky he’s just a tease.
This is Ekal (Thai for white female). She loves to ambush. Our poor female dog is constantly pounced on and batted from various ambush locations. The dog is too sweet to fight back…instead she just yelps when smacked on the nose or tail.
Sometimes Ekal will roll over on her back as if lovingly waiting to have her belly rubbed…careful, it is a trap. Her front paws will clutch you while her hind legs kick you, followed by knuckle biting. This is a mean cat!
I was wondering why do all my cats like to lay on my newspaper???
Readin’ Between the Lions (Sam)
The first thing you have to understand is it’s not your newspaper. It’s theirs. And they know you want to borrow it and cats don’t like to have their newspapers borrowed when their slaves could be doing something more useful, like petting them or building a cat tree or laying on the couch so the cat can lay on their stomach. If you MUST read the paper, you can try sneaking it into the bathroom and closing the door. Just hope they don’t hear that paperish rattling noise and come after you.
I have a female cat named Bubbas who kicks serious butt. She kills gophers, birds and snakes. She is She-Ra! I have another female indoor cat who is 14 years old named Onyx who doesn’t seem to understand that when she growls and hisses at Bubbas, Bubbas is going to try and eat her alive. How can I make Onyx understand that it is better for her to remain still and silent while Bubbas is around?
Exasperated in New Mexico
Have you ever actually SEEN Bubbas trying to eat Onyx? Have you been forced to wade into a whirling catfight to prevent wholesale kittyslaughter? If not, it might be that Bubbas is respectful of Onyx’s age and position in the household.
And if not, well, you can’t teach an old cat new tricks. Perhaps you could invest in one of those scary Hannibal Lecter masks for Bubbas and it will both prevent her from devouring Onyx as well as scare Onyx into hiding under your bed for three days straight. Which has repercussions as well.
HELP!!!!! I have a 4 month old male kitten and here lately he has missing the litter box and pooping bedside it. I clean it out regular, like everyday, but he refuses to poop in it. He just started this behavior just a week or two ago and we have no clue why. I have tried bleaching the spot as well as putting vinegar but he just will not give it up. Do u have any advice?
Dear Carmelia Slave,
Well, since it’s been ages since I got this email from you, I am going to assume the problem took care of itself. However, if you want to know what I would have told you had my Typing Slave been on the ball enough to post timely advice, I would have told you to cut a huge trap-door type hole in the floor where the kitten usually poops and the next time he squatted in the wrong place to do his business, presto! he’d be in for a rude shock when he dropped into the pail of cold water you placed in the pit. That might scare the sh*t out of him, but at least it wouldn’t be on the carpet.
Apparently there’s a craze going around the internet where idiot humans gift wrap their extremely tolerant cats.
That one seems to be the original. Here’s a copygiftwrapcat. The vid itself keeps going for 4, nearly 5 minutes, but after the last shot of the cat all wrapped up, it’s utter darkness. Perhaps to mirror the cat’s thoughts of revenge?
This guy here is big, fuzzy and probably capable of taking his human out if he so chooses. Do you think he will after this?
This cat wrapping (and mailing) video is marred by the hysterical human videographer.
Some cats? Not so tolerant:
This cat can’t decide if he wants to be wrapped or not. He’s like a wrap teaser. Do you want to wrap me? Okay…but no! Well, maybe. But no!
These two humans don’t even reach the tape stage of their attempt to giftwrap their cat, who wisely escapes:
This is probably the funniest uncooperative cat video, although the cheat that the humans employ near the end may disturb some viewers. Note that the cat defeats the cheat anyway!
And this cat doesn’t even want the human to wrap any gift, much less him. Or maybe he wants the human to wrap him instead?
So, do you think we should let the humans try to wrap US?
My boyfriend and I have six cats. We love them all very much. One of our cats is very very mean to the others. Vladimir was born to a feral mother on a farm. He can be the cuddliest sweetest cat ever, but then he can be a vicious terror. Our other cats have scabs and bald spots from Vlad biting them. The smallest cat, other than himself, is most often his target. He attacks her all the time, biting her always on the face and leaving lots of abrasion and scrapes which create bald spots. We don’t know how to stop him from doing this. Any ideas?
A concerned cat lover
We suggest you get an umpire-type face mask for the littlest cat and maybe some tiny Kevlar vests for the others. When Vlad blunts his teeth on that armor, maybe he’ll realize it’s not all that fun to bite other cats. You will then need to get a dog for him to bite instead. Of course, you did say you had a boyfriend. Perhaps Vlad can just bite him!
Meankitty's been online since 1999 or thereabouts. Srsly.
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How can a cat be online? Typing Slave, aka Jody Wallace, maintains the website for Meankitty, who sadly lacks opposable thumbs.
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