Meankitty.com

Dear Meankitty,

What would make a loving neutered male cat that we’ve had for thirteen months start biting us? It starts out as play–jumping out at us and wrapping around a leg and nipping, then gets more vicious. We tried squirting water but this was taken as a challenge and he became more determined to bite. We usually resort to “time out” until he forgets about it. But that is a nuisance. Any advice?

Sincerely,
Cat Lovers in KC

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Dear Cat Lovers,

What about getting some of those police doggie training gloves? Biting should be fun for the whole family!

Ok, seriously. Oh, wait, I don’t have to be serious! I’m a cat!

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Name: Aithinie
Location: WV

Hey, Pops, you'd be so proud of what I've accomplished on earth in this incarnation!

What makes Aithinie so mean?

My cat Aithinie is forcing to write this letter. I am at her mercy at all times except when I am at work where I make the money to pay for her goodies and home.

Aithinie is known to her human slaves as “The Demon, Spawn of Satan.” Quite a mouthful I know. This is the story of how Aithinie came to live with me in Princeton, West Virginia

Satan was growing bored down in (well you know) and decided that he wanted to go topside for a few hours. Not really giving any thought to the form he was assuming, he became a tomcat. Satan planned his surfacing poorly and ended up in the woods of SW Virginia. In his tomcat form he couldn’t help but notice a female cat in heat, and the rest was nature. Thus, the spawning of Aithinie. One day I happened upon this ad for kittens and I just had to have one (I still say it was a compulsion spell…OWWWW! Back to the story). I made the trip across state lines and I saw that there was a black runt that was a female. I thought it was the perfect match.

It was for Aithinie. She has claimed many human slaves, but tells me that I have the honor of calling myself the head of them. (As if cleaning the litterbox is an honor..Owww!) Aithinie is now over a year old and well established in her mansion where there is only one thing wrong and that is her arch enemy the degu Sean. Aithinie told me to state for the record, that it’s all my fault. Sean when let out of the cage to roam certain rooms tends to chase Aithinie around for hours in a very ungentlemanly like manner, but of course my mistress says, “What can you expect from a filthy rodent whose idea of a bath is rolling around in sand?”

That is the story of Aithinie and she tells me the typing is done, it’s time to prepare her royal meal.

Photo submitted by: Katie

Dear Meankitty,

My young cat Raider has a pooping problem. She uses the cat box but more often she uses the corners of the house. I’m afraid if I don’t get rid of her, she will cause my other 11 week old kitten and my year old cat to start pooping in the wrong places. Help? I need your advice!!!

Sincerely,
LoX

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Dear LoX,

Welllll, I was going to tell you a life-changing, enriching, miraculous secret too, but you lost me when you mentioned that you actually consider getting rid of her over a little poo. Are you related to Heartbroken in San Francisco? So…none for you either!

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Name: Butterball
Location: New Orleans

Aren't you glad I bit you in the OLD apartment instead of the NEW one with the white carpet?? No, the white carpet gets the hairball and weewee special.

What makes Butterball so mean?

This is Butterball, my mean kitty. He never learned to trust humans, but is a part of the family, anyway. Butty is glued to the hip of his mommy, Peaches, every day. He loves getting treats and might even take it from my hand if he’s feeling especially brave. The only way I can pet him is if he’s in a spot where he feels safe, and even then, I can just stroke him gently and carefully. He could change his mind at any second, tho he’s never bitten me for petting him yet…

But forget moving day! We’re talking strong fishing net (have had to replace it twice already) and long oven mitts for safety. I made the mistake of not wearing any. Luckily, my friend had some on. My friend got the net over Butty and I helped slide him over to the cage. During the process, Butty twisted around and bit my wrist thru the net….right thru from top to bottom! It wasn’t until he was finally secured in the cage that I dealt with my injury, dripping blood everywhere. Thank goodness he’s an inside cat and doesn’t have rabies.

Photo submitted by: Wendy

Dear Meankitty,

My kitty does not like to be where my fiance and I are. She sleeps under the bed all the time. She comes out to eat and use the litter box. When we put her on the bed, she jumps down right away and does not come back up on her own. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Vicki

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Dear Vicki,

What I want to know is…what’s going on under that bed? Maybe she’s got her a little kitty condo under there. Or maybe it’s a regular kitty party. Maybe there’s a secret entrance to another realm. A realm with no dogs!

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Name: The Beast
Location: Unknown

This is practice for when I go after YOUR private parts...

What makes the Beast so mean?

He is so nasty he actually bit the private parts of another cat, who required stitches! Mean, mean, mean!

Photo submitted by: Susan R.

Dear Meankitty,

My one year old male Bengal has been avoiding me like the plague since he was 6 months old. When I pet him or try to pick him up, he claws the heck out of me. I have scars all over my hands and it is devastating to me because I love animals so much and I am the one who wanted him. I am seriously considering giving him up if he doesn’t warm up to me.

Sincerely,
Heartbroken in San Francisco

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Dear Heartbroken,

Wellllllllll, I was going to tell you an awesome, life-changing secret, but you lost me with that “seriously considering giving him up” part. So…none for you!

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Name: Indie
Location: Charleston, SC

I'll let you brush me if you let me "brush" you first.

What makes Indie so mean?

This is my mean kitty, Indie. She likes to bite; if you are petting her the wrong way or at the wrong time, beware, and she is especially unfond of being brushed. She gets in this sink (my husband’s, of course) and growls if you try to get her to move.

Photo submitted by: Jane

Dear Meankitty,

I was hoping you could help me. One of my mean kitties keeps trying to kill my 3 fish. When I try to feed them my mean kitty knocks my hand, making me put a LOT of food it to the tank. He also keeps chewing on the air hose to cut off the fish’s air. I have had to buy 5 new hoses in the last couple of months and I fear the day I am going to have to buy new fish. Doesn’t Kitty understand the fish are to be watched, like tv, but not eaten?

Sincerely,
Piscean Peril

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Dear Peril,

A cat’s gotta do what a cat’s gotta do. Fatten the fish up, yank their air so they come to the surface, and then scoop them out like Whisker Lickins. BTW, goldfish are cheap. Keep ‘em stocked! Your kitties will love you.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Der Mean Kitty,

I hav a problum wid catz. Dey com in my yard n eye keep chazing dem out. How kan eye let dem now dey r nawt invited? Dis really raizes my hair on my bak!!

Jack the Dog

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Dear Stupid Dog,

Here’s the thing. I know you can’t type. You’re a dog. You, too, require a human typing slave. So when everything is spelled incorrectly, it just makes your human typing slave look like some kind of dunce. I mean, really.

Anyhow, I think I mentioned earlier…I don’t give advice to dogs. They never listen.

Sincerely,
Meankitty