Meankitty.com

Dear Meankitty,

What would make a loving neutered male cat that we’ve had for thirteen months start biting us? It starts out as play–jumping out at us and wrapping around a leg and nipping, then gets more vicious. We tried squirting water but this was taken as a challenge and he became more determined to bite. We usually resort to “time out” until he forgets about it. But that is a nuisance. Any advice?

Sincerely,
Cat Lovers in KC

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Dear Cat Lovers,

What about getting some of those police doggie training gloves? Biting should be fun for the whole family!

Ok, seriously. Oh, wait, I don’t have to be serious! I’m a cat!

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Name: Aithinie
Location: WV

Hey, Pops, you'd be so proud of what I've accomplished on earth in this incarnation!

What makes Aithinie so mean?

My cat Aithinie is forcing to write this letter. I am at her mercy at all times except when I am at work where I make the money to pay for her goodies and home.

Aithinie is known to her human slaves as “The Demon, Spawn of Satan.” Quite a mouthful I know. This is the story of how Aithinie came to live with me in Princeton, West Virginia

Satan was growing bored down in (well you know) and decided that he wanted to go topside for a few hours. Not really giving any thought to the form he was assuming, he became a tomcat. Satan planned his surfacing poorly and ended up in the woods of SW Virginia. In his tomcat form he couldn’t help but notice a female cat in heat, and the rest was nature. Thus, the spawning of Aithinie. One day I happened upon this ad for kittens and I just had to have one (I still say it was a compulsion spell…OWWWW! Back to the story). I made the trip across state lines and I saw that there was a black runt that was a female. I thought it was the perfect match.

It was for Aithinie. She has claimed many human slaves, but tells me that I have the honor of calling myself the head of them. (As if cleaning the litterbox is an honor..Owww!) Aithinie is now over a year old and well established in her mansion where there is only one thing wrong and that is her arch enemy the degu Sean. Aithinie told me to state for the record, that it’s all my fault. Sean when let out of the cage to roam certain rooms tends to chase Aithinie around for hours in a very ungentlemanly like manner, but of course my mistress says, “What can you expect from a filthy rodent whose idea of a bath is rolling around in sand?”

That is the story of Aithinie and she tells me the typing is done, it’s time to prepare her royal meal.

Photo submitted by: Katie

Dear Meankitty,

My young cat Raider has a pooping problem. She uses the cat box but more often she uses the corners of the house. I’m afraid if I don’t get rid of her, she will cause my other 11 week old kitten and my year old cat to start pooping in the wrong places. Help? I need your advice!!!

Sincerely,
LoX

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Dear LoX,

Welllll, I was going to tell you a life-changing, enriching, miraculous secret too, but you lost me when you mentioned that you actually consider getting rid of her over a little poo. Are you related to Heartbroken in San Francisco? So…none for you either!

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Dear Meankitty,

My kitty does not like to be where my fiance and I are. She sleeps under the bed all the time. She comes out to eat and use the litter box. When we put her on the bed, she jumps down right away and does not come back up on her own. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Vicki

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Dear Vicki,

What I want to know is…what’s going on under that bed? Maybe she’s got her a little kitty condo under there. Or maybe it’s a regular kitty party. Maybe there’s a secret entrance to another realm. A realm with no dogs!

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Name: The Beast
Location: Unknown

This is practice for when I go after YOUR private parts...

What makes the Beast so mean?

He is so nasty he actually bit the private parts of another cat, who required stitches! Mean, mean, mean!

Photo submitted by: Susan R.

Dear Meankitty,

My one year old male Bengal has been avoiding me like the plague since he was 6 months old. When I pet him or try to pick him up, he claws the heck out of me. I have scars all over my hands and it is devastating to me because I love animals so much and I am the one who wanted him. I am seriously considering giving him up if he doesn’t warm up to me.

Sincerely,
Heartbroken in San Francisco

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Dear Heartbroken,

Wellllllllll, I was going to tell you an awesome, life-changing secret, but you lost me with that “seriously considering giving him up” part. So…none for you!

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Dear Meankitty,

I was hoping you could help me. One of my mean kitties keeps trying to kill my 3 fish. When I try to feed them my mean kitty knocks my hand, making me put a LOT of food it to the tank. He also keeps chewing on the air hose to cut off the fish’s air. I have had to buy 5 new hoses in the last couple of months and I fear the day I am going to have to buy new fish. Doesn’t Kitty understand the fish are to be watched, like tv, but not eaten?

Sincerely,
Piscean Peril

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Dear Peril,

A cat’s gotta do what a cat’s gotta do. Fatten the fish up, yank their air so they come to the surface, and then scoop them out like Whisker Lickins. BTW, goldfish are cheap. Keep ’em stocked! Your kitties will love you.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Der Mean Kitty,

I hav a problum wid catz. Dey com in my yard n eye keep chazing dem out. How kan eye let dem now dey r nawt invited? Dis really raizes my hair on my bak!!

Jack the Dog

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Dear Stupid Dog,

Here’s the thing. I know you can’t type. You’re a dog. You, too, require a human typing slave. So when everything is spelled incorrectly, it just makes your human typing slave look like some kind of dunce. I mean, really.

Anyhow, I think I mentioned earlier…I don’t give advice to dogs. They never listen.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

Dear Meankitty,

Why must you tempt and torture me so? I gaze at your picture on the website every day, longing to meet you in person. I know you’re thinking of me as you look into the camera with those vivid yellow eyes. I just love me a yellow eyed woman. How about I get my typing slave to drive me to your house?

Signed,
Tom

***

Dear Tom,

How about you get your typing slave to drive over your tail? Oh, wait, you’re probably one of those cats with really stubby tails…a Manx. And you know what they say about cats with short tails.

Signed,
Meankitty

Name: Okay-Gris
Location: Brooklyn

I am cute enough to get away with murder. As long as they don't look under the floorboards where I've buried the bodies. So far so good.

What makes OG so mean?

This is not my cat. Her name is Okay-Gris and she lives with my daughters and six other cats in Brooklyn (You got a problem with that?). I live in Honolulu and I am still afraid of her. This is how she looks when she is not sleeping. She is thinking about how to hurt you. It is the same when she is sleeping, except her eyes are mostly closed.

My daughters think that she is very cute. She lets them pet her for a while and then all of a sudden she whacks them and runs away. She likes to beat up on the other cats, even boys who are twice her size. When they try to defend themselves she makes the most awful yowling and hissing noises. She’s so fluffy and little that everyone always assumes that the other cats are being mean. But if you watch you’ll see that she started it.

They are total suckers for this cat. This is their story:

She lurks on the top of the door while you are taking a shower and when you get out she stands up and pretends to “fall” so that she is hanging on with her front paws. It is your duty to “rescue” her, but as soon as your hand is within reach of her claws she whacks you! When you try to move your hand away she scrambles and acts as if she’s going to fall. So of course you have to “rescue” her again. This repeats until you are going to be late for work, and then she pulls herself up to the top of the shower door and does her fluffy sweet impression. She does the same thing on top of the refrigerator. When you open the door she “falls.” So you have to “rescue” her and push her back up. If you try to pull her down, she whacks you and scrambles back up. She drapes herself over the door so that you can’t close it. If you try to close it slowly she ignores you. If you try to push her feet out from between the door and the fridge she yowls and whacks you.

When you open the apartment door she “escapes” into the hallway. She is quick and silent so even if you check to see that she is nowhere around, the moment you open the door she is there and slips out. Once she is free she waits at the bottom of the stairs in the hallway. When you try to catch her she runs really fast up the stairs. If the upstairs apartment door is not open she waits at the top to be carried back downstairs, and she kneads the air with her fluffy paws and purrs. If the upstairs apartment door is open she goes inside and chews on plants, and then hides if you go inside to get her. If you turn your back while she is hiding then you’ll just see a fluffy flash as she runs from under the bed to under a chair, or from under a chair into the bathroom. Once she snuck into the upstairs and within five minutes she knocked two ceramic plates from a fireplace mantel, jumped on a chair and knocked the pillows to the floor, chewed on three different plants and then threw up five piles of barf. At night she forgives you and is snuggly, and purrs and kneads and sucks on the flannel sheets and curls into a ball of sweet fluff.

Photo submitted by: Sue, Eve and the Gang