Meankitty.com

Dear Meankitty,

I just have to warn you. Just because D is fixed doesn’t mean he and Meankitty aren’t going to try “it” with you. My Toby and Belle are fixed (at least the vet bill says so), but Toby is convinced he can still do it. Belle is the (lucky? unlucky?) recipient of his attentions. All done in slow motion because Toby really doesn’t know what he’s doing. Is there anything I can do to stop this mad lovin’?

Signed,
Kelliecats in the House of Love

***

Dear Kelliecats,

Now that D is grown into a huge chunk of annoying feline, he, too, thinks he is more of a stud than a dud. My typing slave got out this fuzzy throw which, incidentally, has a leopard on it, and D’s amorous attentions are captivated solely by the blankie. To entice Toby, get a WASHABLE blanket of similar fuzziness to Belle and leave it around in strategic places. For added incentive you can sprinkle catnip on it.

Signed,
Meankitty

Note: Since this advice was first written, D has continued to … do that thing he does so well. The blanket and others like it are still his special friends, though.

Name: Sabrina
Location: NYC

What, me a kitten? I can do SO MUCH more damage.

What makes Sabrina so mean?

Sabrina is a mean little kitty. When she isn’t walking around the house giving dirty looks to people, she’s starting trouble somewhere. She loves to sit on the kitchen table when she knows she isn’t supposed to. The reason she does this, is to keep her eyes on the parakeets in the cage on top of the refrigerator.

When I’m sleeping, she enjoys attacking my feet. I wake up at all hours of the night with her claws in my ankles. Sometimes I wake up and she’s just sitting next to my head staring at me…..which I find a little odd.

Actually, Sabrina is still a kitten and I get a kick out of her playfulness. She’s worse than a child at times!

Photo submitted by: Rene Cina

Name: Rafikki
Location: Dunno

Secretly, at night, the dog and I are BFF but I maintain my ferocity to stay in the SOHC.

What makes Raf so mean?

I have a cat. His name is Rafikki, He is fine with other animals EXCEPT THE DOG!!!

Rafikki does not back down. He will run up to the dog and attack him for no reason. He gets the dog good because the dog is now afraid of the cat. This is no joke. The cat will not back down–he has even got me a couple times, and I have the battle scars to prove it The scars are usually from when I try to get him away from the dog so I can take the dog out!

Photo submitted by: Jessica

Dear Meankitty,

We recently brought a wild cat into our home, fixed him, declawed his front paws, and kept him inside. He loved it, until today….he got outside in the snow and sprinted off. Now he is in a big drain pipe and won’t come out for food or anything. What should we do? We don’t want to lose him. He’s really a very loving cat and he loved being inside.

Signed,
Jessie

***

Dear Jessie,

Ah, the allure of the great outdoors! Cats are Born to be Wi-i-ild, you know. Although they would be best advised not to head out on the highway, there are many who indeed concentrate on looking for adventure and whatever comes their way. One suggestion for luring your wild cat back into his pampered pad is to let him get a little hungrier then waft the smell of tuna down the drainpipe. Mmmmm, tuna. Of course when I was being a Kitty Houdini, the only thing that brought ME back to the pen was the neighbor. Good luck.

Signed,
Meankitty

Name: Occhi
Location: Australia

This is stage zero, the Lazy Cat.

What makes Occhi so mean?

My cat’s name is Occhi. The photo shows him in his favourite position – just waiting to bite the hand that pats the belly. He loves getting into the kitchen cupboards, and sliding doors present no barrier to his progress. However, his really mean nature is to make sure no human can sleep for more than two hours. At the two hour mark, he will use whatever means available to wake them.

Stage one is a gentle cry, stage two is sitting next to their heads, stage three is gently touching their faces or hair with his claws. Sometimes in summer when he really feels needy, he develops a stage four — a full assault on your feet while you try to sleep.

Photo submitted by: Andrew

[Please note: This advice was written when Pink Thing and/or Loud Thing were much smaller. There is no actual baby in Meankitty's house right now.]

Dear Meankitty,

My brother has this cat who never is nice and who always scratches everyone who walks by. They also just found out they are going to have a baby, and for sure the cat will scratch the baby. Any advice?? Was he tormented as a kitten maybe?

Signed,
Jen

***

Dear Jen,

Cats rule. Babies drool. One of those stupid pink things has moved into my house these days, taking up my lap space and cutting into my belly time. At least it hasn’t started to eat my food yet; then things are going to get ugly.

I do have to give my human typing slave credit. She hasn’t acted like the pink thing is off limits so D and I aren’t totally jealous and seeking revenge. In fact, D has been known to join in on diaper changes. Yet at the same time she doesn’t leave the pink thing alone in the same room as D all that much (D is the only worry; I’m harmless hehehe). You can even buy netted lids for the crib to keep cats out, though I think that’s cruel because playing in the crib is one of the few benefits to the pink thing being here.

Signed,
Meankitty

Name: Numnum
Location: Leicester, UK

I'm actually a Chihuahua dog in disguise. Si! Es verdad! I have snucked onto Meankitty!

What makes Numnum so mean?

My brothers have cats. My sister has cats. I didn’t until one night when I discovered him hanging out alone since his mate had disappeared in the dryer. I luckily had a digital camera available to catch his wooly visage before he left, seldom to be seen again. How was he mean? He made me eat dust bunnies, taught me bad words, and smelled awful…like a cross between well-aged cheese and dank fen scum. I am sure he is still somewhere in the neighborhood, though I never see him, exactly.

Photo submitted by: Weird Rory

Name: Mymojomoon
Location: Texas

That's right. Yeah. I'm a hot-tay who knows how to par-tay.

What makes Momo so mean?

Name: Mymojomoon, or Momo, or Mewmew, spaz cat or OW STOP THAT!!! for short.
Weight: 8 pounds (I am single, ladies!)
Occupation: Holy Terror of Dogs and Slaves

Don’t let my big blue eyes and innocent looks fool you. I keep my slaves well under control. My slaves (I have a mated pair) rescued me when I was under a year old from the local SPCA. The male brought me home, after finally giving in to the female who wanted a kitty. They were worried how I’d get along with the dog slave, a pit bull mix who weighs 85 pounds, but he is a push over.

One of my favorite things to do is play hide and pounce. Whenever the dog is walking by, I rush him with my claws out and my tail all fluffy. Stupid dog. He just stands there and looks at me. I don’t care if he is lying down either, I still jump him. I also like to get him to try and chase me, then I fluff up and dance sideways (I am an excellent dancer, ladies, AND I have my own ‘nip patch) away from him until I can get up a good clip, then I rush him head first and leap onto his big smelly neck where I sink all four sets of claws and my teeth into him and roll him over.

I am so tired after a day of beatin' doggie butt. Shew! So what fine unfixed feline wants a date with me? Or you can be fixed, I'm not picky, I just like the ladies.

I also enjoy attacking the lazy two leggers. My male slave likes to sit in his chair in the living room; I don’t tolerate that, so I run up and down the house to get his attention. If he continues to ignore me (ME, IGNORE ME! How rude!) I jump in the air, claws out, and bat him a few times. I bat his face, I bat his chest, I bat his arms, I bat his hands. Anything I can get my claws into. He HAS to be disciplined for ignoring me. I then run away and hide and wait for the female to walk by, then I bat her or chase her around the house for not training her mate better. Or I do the hit and run dance where I speed out of my hiding spot, grab her ankles, then dart back into cover.

At night, after successfully chasing the dog off of the bed, I stretch out on my back between the slaves [after tormenting them a good while of course] and fall blissfully asleep, dreaming of being able to wake them up at 3 am…4 am…whenever…to do whatever I wish. Oh, I live the good life!

Photo submitted by: Briana

Name: Lars
Location: Bremerton, WA

What do you think I am, a freakin' poster kitty?

What makes Lars so mean?

Yes, he does look like a bobcat, doesn’t he? Main Coons are supposed to be part lynx. Lars is the Old Cat. He’s big. He’s sweet. He drools. All he wants is love.

When he was younger, he was known as King Lars. The self-appointed Guardian of the Sidewalks. A frightened child, a squeaking puppy, a cornered cat — and Lars would levitate across yard, fence and leg to put the hurt on their antagonist. He mistook the happy friendliness of a border collie when the dog’s mere size made a little pup squeal in fear. Lars treed — TREED — the dog up his owner. The dog trampled about on his master’s shoulders while Lars patrolled like a Yard Nazi around the man’s feet. I had to rescue them both.

Another time, a neighbor was babysitting a big dog that meant no harm and just wanted to play. But the dog got too near one of Lars’s cats. The little cat spat, and Lars heard it. Not only did the neighbor have to run through the yard into the alley with the terrified dog — but Lars took a shortcut to head them off. If I hadn’t stopped Lars, they’d still be screaming down the alley.

I'll show them for making me pose...I'll chew up the book!

Lars has gotten old and very crippled. He walks like a turtle, hunch-backed, a sore step at a time. Poor old man.

But do not –repeat– DO NOT attempt to pick him up or help him when his back is bothering him. The only teeth he has left are his fangs, and they’re nearly an inch long. He can — and HAS — sent a helpful person to the emergency room. With a hand swollen up like a football.

Pet him. Praise him. Just don’t pick him up.

Got it?

Photos submitted by: Donna B.

Dear Meankitty,

My human’s house is infested with fleas, and they are driving me crazy! I can hardly sleep for being bitten, and since there is only one of me, the fleas are even biting the humans. How can my human make the fleas go away? I’d go buy myself some Advantage One Spot, but the last time I tried to use the credit card, it was a disaster.

Signed,
Itchy & Scratchy

***

Dear Itchy,

I personally have always had a human who took care of that whole flea thing before it became an annoyance (except for one episode when she had a roommate who owned DOGS, of all hideous things), but here are a few words of advice from a fellow reader of the site:

“Nick and his dad lived in an upstairs apartment in California with a stray cat they had taken in. Big Leon was an indoor cat but nevertheless fleas began turning up on him and also in the carpet. Little by little, these insects from hell, some of the most aggravating pests on earth, began taking over the household. FLEAS WERE EATING LEON AND NICK ALIVE (although, strangely, they left Dad alone…) The fleas invaded Nick’s room, the living room, the whole house.

Anyhow, Big Leon was being eaten, Nick was being tortured and even attempted moving out of his room for a while to sleep on the couch in long pants and socks. Flea powders were useless. Nick even rubbed garlic, yes garlic, mixed with water on his body before he went to bed at night. The long pants, the socks and the garlic did not work. Additionally, the bites hurt at times, making Nick a little ill one occasion, not to mention Big Leon, who is the one that really matters (hey, this is the MeanKITTY site!)

Finally, Nick bought a spray for Leon’s bed and the carpet, donned a protective mask, put Leon on the balcony, and sprayed EVERYWHERE. The fleas did not go away instantly, but after a few days it was better. Keep in mind that this poison was not sprayed on Big Leon, but the fleas on him eventually jumped off and died when they got into the carpet. Flea home spray is the way to go.”

Signed,
Nick and Big Leon via Meankitty