Archive for July, 2010

Advice: Screen Ripper

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

My cat won't stop scratching or hanging on the door. She keeps pulling the screen off and I get in trouble for it. What should I do?

Signed,
Door Killer's Owner

***

Dear Killer,

Meankitties like screens because they know they can make holes in them. You should see the work I've done on the screen beside *MY* favorite window! It looks like some stupid human shot buckshot through it, but it's all my doing. However, we don't want meankitty's slaves to get in trouble and have to give the meankitties away, so I'll offer you a bit of advice. Duct tape will hold just about anything in place, so you can put it all over the edges of the screen to keep it in the door. Plus, it looks great and comes in many colors.

And as for keeping your cat's claws out of the screen? There are many cat-centered catalogues and sites which make products you can use to protect your screens. Some are like giant pieces of tape and some are more substantial. There is screen that is supposedly pet claw proof at hardware stores. Lastly, there is also a product called Sticky Paws at your local PetSmart. But then, duct tape might work for this, too.

Signed,
Meankitty

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Advice: Parasites!

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

We have a new kitten who has every parasite known to man plus a few. Can humans catch kitty worms and bugs? Should we be worried, because the kitten needs a lot of cleaning up after and we have to do it.

Signed,
Washin’ Hands

***

Dear Washin’,

I sincerely hope you are getting your kitten treated by a good vet, for starters. I mean, we meankitties hate vets and tend to bite them at any given opportunity, but we do realize the necessity. And yes, you can catch parasites from kitty — giardia, in particular. My advice is don’t clean up after one of kitty’s unfortunate messes and then eat finger food.

Signed,
Meankitty

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Advice: Websites

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

Your site rocks! Can I get some advice from you on building my own site?

Signed,
Websurfer Guy

***

Dear Guy,

Sure! I’ve been told that if you put cats on it and a link to www.meankitty.com, your site will be much higher quality.

Signed,
Meankitty

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Gallery: Dutchess

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Name: Dutchess
Location: Unknown

Dutchess the Meankitty

Don't mind me, I'm masquerading as a dust mop.

What makes Dutchess so mean?

Dutchess is mean because, well there is no real reason. She just is. She gets everything a kitty needs–love, food, toys, you name it, she has got it. But she will only show her appreciation when she wants something else. The rest of the time she either ignores us or makes faces like this.

Photo submitted by: Nathan

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Advice: Fur Butt

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

Every time we lay our yard mats or cushions out, the cat gets on them and sprawls all over them. Since she is truly a meankitty, we don’t dare force her off, so we end up sitting on a pile of cat fur. What shall we do about the mess she has caused?

Signed,
Fur Butt

***

Dear Butt,

There are several steps you can take to defurr your most important asset, if you get my drift, without upsetting the most important member of your household — the cat. One, flip the cushions over before you sit on them so that they have a people side and a cat side. Two, toss a towel over the fur-coated cushion. Three, change pants.

Signed,
Meankitty

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Advice: Two Cats and Piggie

Sunday, July 18th, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

I have two barn cats… and whenever I go to feed them in the barn, there are THREE cats! I usually shoo the stray with a pitchfork… but then she comes back and eats all my cat’s food! I tried feeding my cats MORE, despite the stray cat… but she still eats it all!

What do I do?

Signed,
Annoyed

***

Dear Annoyed,

What’s this about you only having two cats? I count three…One, Two and Piggie. Just because she eats more than the others is no reason to disown her. We didn’t disown Elvis, did we? You have three barn cats! Perhaps you need three food bowls. And once Piggie becomes used to the soft touch that is her new person, her eating habits should slow down. When my person first wised up and allowed me in the house, I ate anything that was put in front of me — but now I’ve learned that being a picky eater is MUCH more annoying to the humans.

Either way, you’d better make friends fast or taking Piggie for that rabies shot is going to cost you.

Signed,
Meankitty

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Gallery: Yngwie

Saturday, July 17th, 2010

Name: Yngwie
Location: Earth

Yngwie is a Meankitty

Superiors? Ha. There's nothing superior to me!

What makes Yngwie so mean?

From as early as Yngwie’s third month on this planet, she has had a problem with uncontrollable anger. Maybe it’s because she’s not FROM this planet and resents being deserted here by her superiors.

Photo submitted by: Phillip

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Advice: Birdivore

Friday, July 16th, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

My 11 month old kitten is determined to investigate my parakeet…up close and personal. The cage hangs over an old jukebox whose age and size determine its positioning in my house. Cardboard barriers and water guns have been unsuccessful. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Feather Finder

***

Dear Feathers,

Birds are the natural prey of nice and meankitties alike. However, a more tasty prey is mice. I suggest you invest in some caged mice or hamsters to distract your kitten. Maybe get one of those balls the rodent can run around in — it will drive your kitten mad with desire.

Signed,
Meankitty

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Advice: Naked Kitty

Friday, July 16th, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

My cat likes to pull all the hair from his bottom. This exposes parts of my cat that might offend my visiting friends and neighbors.  What should I do?

Signed,
Naked in Norris

***

Dear Naked,

Underpants!

Signed,
Meankitty

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What is this place?

Friday, July 16th, 2010

While simplicity and spelling errors have their place on the feline internet, if you long for something more substantial… If you know in your heart of hearts that kitties are not sweet or kind or cuddly…

This is the place for an in-depth revelation of kitty antics that are *not* so cute, the place where the real face of kitty is revealed. This is…

Meankitty.com. We’re happy to flea you. I mean, see you. Kitties do like their fresh meat.

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