Archive for July, 2010

Advice: More Screens in Peril

Saturday, July 31st, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

I have a 4 year old black male cat that won’t stay off the screens of our storm doors. Because of this he is tearing the screens to pieces and I don’t want to replace them again (I just replaced them all last week). Any help would be appreciated.

Signed,
Dave

***

Dear Dave,

One option would be to get your darling kitty his own screen door to climb. He obviously enjoys that and I fully believe cats should be able to do whatever they enjoy. If you think that idea is bogus, check out my advice to Door Killer’s Owner. You can put sticky paws on screens as well as screen guards.

Signed,
Meankitty

Links: Kitty Rock Band

Friday, July 30th, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

I checked out your site and I dig it. I have a cartoon site with a link you may want to put on your cat site. http://www.eyeenvision.com  It’s my cat’s band.

Thanks,
MAT

***

Dear MAT,

We visited your site and jammed to the litterbox tunes. Then we had nightmares.

Sincerely,
Meankitty, Typing Slave & her housemate D

Advice: Jumper

Friday, July 30th, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

We are moving soon and we are going to be in a third floor apartment. If we let the cats out on the balcony, will they jump off?

Signed,
Heather

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Dear Heather,

I used to jump off a second story balcony before my Human Typing Slave adopted me. It was because I wasn’t being given enough food by my former Human and I had to go searching for more. Plus I’m a little stinker.

Put collars with your phone number on your kitties. Then all you can do is wait and see how “stinky” or hungry they think they are. They will want very badly to get onto the porch if you deny it to them, I can promise you that, and eventually they will manage it.

Signed,
Meankitty Houdini

Advice: Indoor Kitties

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

I was just wondering if you could give me some advice. I would like to get kitten soon as I know I could give one a loving home and a lot of affection. The only thing that worries me is I live in a flat near a main road and would like the cat to become a house cat and not go out.  I have asked many people and they have said its ok, but I feel it might be cruel on the cat.  I don’t want to go ahead with having one if its cruel to keep it in. Is it ok for the cat to be kept permanently indoors?

Signed,
Not-yet-cat-hairy Claire

***

Dear Claire,

It is ok.  I live indoors and I’m the happiest, albeit feistiest, cat you could ever hope to meet.  Just give the new cat lots of tuna.  Why?  Cats like tuna.  You can also grow your cat some free range grass to give her a taste of outdoors since she is barred from that place.  Why?  Cats like to eat grass and puke.  And you shouldn’t deny them that pleasure.

Signed,
Meankitty

Advice: Lover, Not Fighter

Wednesday, July 28th, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

I just have to warn you. Just because D is fixed doesn’t mean he and Meankitty aren’t going to try “it” with you. My Toby and Belle are fixed (at least the vet bill says so), but Toby is convinced he can still do it. Belle is the (lucky? unlucky?) recipient of his attentions. All done in slow motion because Toby really doesn’t know what he’s doing. Is there anything I can do to stop this mad lovin’?

Signed,
Kelliecats in the House of Love

***

Dear Kelliecats,

Now that D is grown into a huge chunk of annoying feline, he, too, thinks he is more of a stud than a dud. My typing slave got out this fuzzy throw which, incidentally, has a leopard on it, and D’s amorous attentions are captivated solely by the blankie. To entice Toby, get a WASHABLE blanket of similar fuzziness to Belle and leave it around in strategic places. For added incentive you can sprinkle catnip on it.

Signed,
Meankitty

Note: Since this advice was first written, D has continued to … do that thing he does so well. The blanket and others like it are still his special friends, though.

Advice: Born to be Wild

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

We recently brought a wild cat into our home, fixed him, declawed his front paws, and kept him inside. He loved it, until today….he got outside in the snow and sprinted off. Now he is in a big drain pipe and won’t come out for food or anything. What should we do? We don’t want to lose him. He’s really a very loving cat and he loved being inside.

Signed,
Jessie

***

Dear Jessie,

Ah, the allure of the great outdoors! Cats are Born to be Wi-i-ild, you know. Although they would be best advised not to head out on the highway, there are many who indeed concentrate on looking for adventure and whatever comes their way. One suggestion for luring your wild cat back into his pampered pad is to let him get a little hungrier then waft the smell of tuna down the drainpipe. Mmmmm, tuna. Of course when I was being a Kitty Houdini, the only thing that brought ME back to the pen was the neighbor. Good luck.

Signed,
Meankitty

Advice: Mellow My Kitty

Saturday, July 24th, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

My kitty is EVIL… she attacks your legs when you walk by and you can pet her for all of 5 seconds before she bites or scratches you. She is almost 10 months old. How can I get her to be a bit more mellow???

Signed,
Angie

***

Dear Angie,

Mellow? Who wants a mellow cat? Meankitty advises that you wear thicker denim jeans or perhaps chaps. Either that, or keep her hopped up on catnip so that she spends her time alternately chasing imaginary bugs on the wall or sleeping it off.

You might also be interested to know that one of the requirements for new cats to fulfill in order to get into the highly esteemed SOHC (Society of House Cats) is random damage and destruction on their humans. Some cats go that route, some go the random damage and destruction on their humans’ possessions route, and some do both. There are other ways to get into SOHC, but this is one of the more time-honored and traditional methods. I myself chose the path less traveled, the one of “random acts of weirdness and running about”, in order to obtain my membership. I was also required to learn to climb a doorframe and levitate in mid-air, so this route is only for the very determined.

Signed,
Meankitty

Advice: Screen Ripper

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

Advice: Parasites!

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

We have a new kitten who has every parasite known to man plus a few. Can humans catch kitty worms and bugs? Should we be worried, because the kitten needs a lot of cleaning up after and we have to do it.

Signed,
Washin’ Hands

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Dear Washin’,

I sincerely hope you are getting your kitten treated by a good vet, for starters. I mean, we meankitties hate vets and tend to bite them at any given opportunity, but we do realize the necessity. And yes, you can catch parasites from kitty — giardia, in particular. My advice is don’t clean up after one of kitty’s unfortunate messes and then eat finger food.

Signed,
Meankitty

Advice: Websites

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Dear Meankitty,

Your site rocks! Can I get some advice from you on building my own site?

Signed,
Websurfer Guy

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Dear Guy,

Sure! I’ve been told that if you put cats on it and a link to www.meankitty.com, your site will be much higher quality.

Signed,
Meankitty